Frustrated

So I think I told you all about my little excitement with nearly passing out in the gym. If I haven't some one please let me know and I will catch you all up to speed.

Since then I have gotten a body bug just like the ones that they get on the biggest loser. It is a great thing and so exciting it is really giving me some great feedback and helping me to see just what it is my body is doing. One of the first things that it has revealed to me is that I am burning just over 3,000 calories a day. I was only taking in under 1,500. We believe this was the reason that I almost passed out at the gym.

Since then my trainer (Kevin) (the new one) had me on very light workouts while we tried to figure this all out. Once we saw what I was burning vs. what I was consuming he said (politely) That he would like to see me eating at least 2,000 calories a day. Since I am running almost non stop it would help me with energy focus and weight loss.

Honestly I struggle so much with this idea. How can consuming more help you to lose weight? Right. Well I understand the physical side of it. If you don't feed your body enough it will not process what you do feed it but it will store it up, thus keeping on the weight. So I started eating 2,000 calories a day. Then last thursday I went to Jenny and weighed in and I had gained the second week in a row. (ARGH! so frustrating)

Then the lies started running in my head. "This is how you will always be" "You won't change this" "You will always be fat" Now don't get me wrong I know they are all lies but they tug at the heart. So I turn them down I don't allow them to stay, but they still hurt because for a minute they nick my soul .

Then I was away this weekend, and I just saw pictures. It is amazing how a picture really can convey a thousand words. I know that I have no idea what my body looks like but when i saw these pictures go up I was so deflated. Don't get me wrong they are great pictures. (thanks dale) But I just feel like I look exactly the same. So why am I putting in all this effort.

You see I know that I am running again finally now that I have my energy back and I am sweating again. (Both good things) But I still feel like I am that fat girls. Now God, had recently done some great things in this area of my life to show me that the identity of fat girl is no longer who I am, but I still feel like fat girl, and I am reminded by these photos just how far it is that I have to go.

So that brings me closer to the end of this tirade. I am frustrated because I see that I have so much farther to go, and yet now I am eating more calories then before. I just don't see how this is going to work out. Plus it is frustrating to be doing all this work and not seeing any results. I know I shouldn't be doing it for the results, but it is hard to press on.

Sorry all you are getting this post in a time of depleting encouragement.

Continued Update

So during my last blog I told you about the change in my team.

I also want to be honest and share with you where I am at. You see most of you know I am a christian, my faith, and my belief in God is the root of who I am, and I desire to make sure that what I do flows from this as well. So you see God has been doing great things in my life. He has been helping me to come to understand that I have heard lies about myself that I have taken on and begun to believe.

God has just been doing great things but it leaves me feeling raw and in a place where I am not in control, which is different for me. I feel vulnerable, it is requiring me to rely on others.

I have found that in times of crisis or pain I tend to revert to what I know, food. However this time around in the midst of this I will not revert to stuffing down my feelings or hiding them. This time I am going to not just deal with them but embrace them.

However this past weekend probably posed one of the biggest challenges for me. You see the goal for the year was to put my self care first then order my life around it. So my relationship with God, and my eating, and working out were to be planned first. Then I was to schedule the rest of my days around that. But the past two weeks things have just been out of control. I mean I have gotten busy and haven't been sleeping well, maybe doing to much. ?

So Saturday I went to the gym, and I had slept in late and only grabbed a protein bar which I didn't eat far enough in advance. And thankfully I was training with Kevin, the new trainer. He was awesome saw the changes before I knew they were happening and totally stepped in and kept me on this side of passing out. Once I was on the ground and my vision and hearing began to come back we took the steps necessary to get me back on the healing road.

For the next two days I laid low and tried to begin to understand what had happened, and what to do with the central nervous system as it rebooted itself.

Then on Monday my dad was put into the hospital, and then Tuesday morning we found out my Grandmother had died. This has been hard. I was in the trend of not putting a focus on my self care and now was drastically made aware that I needed to refocus. Yet with the grief I just don't feel like eating. It kind of makes me nauseous. However; I know that I need to eat. Eating is something that I need to do to focus on my self care, and making sure that I am in the best place possible to serve and honor the Lord.

You see when I am focused on other things, my life begins to feel out of control, and crazy. With God already doing things that make me feel a little raw it is really necessary to make sure that I am taking care of me.

So, tomorrow we return. It is time to find my focus on my self care and once again focus on what it is that needs to be done so that I can be at my most effective for the work and role I am called to in the Kingdom.

Will this change how I feel? No, but it will allow me to have a clearer head to embrace and process what I am feeling. That will help. Knowing that I am hearing from God, and that I am in a right mind allows me to focus and allow God to have the access to help me process what ever is necessary.

Latest in life

Dear Blogging friends;

It is time that I share with you some things that have been happening in my life.

1.) My Team has changed. :( One of the most important things that has come with my life change is the creation of a team of people who surround me and help me stay focused on what I need to be doing. When you are trying to do life change it is important to remember that you are undoing x number of years of learned behavior. You can't do it on your own. That was lesson one. At least for me it helped me to stay focused. When things would get out of control, when I want to give up when I am sure that I just will never be any different, that is when my teams steps in. They become my cheerleaders, my pushers (keeping me going), my teachers (helping me to know just what I am capable of) I need them. So do you. Whether you are making huge life changes or just looking to travel on the journey of life we need people around us, it makes us better when we let people in.

So with my trainer leaving (miss you Janice) I had to find another trainer. It was hard to adjust to the idea that the team was changing. I freaked momentarily and then was reminded that a. 2/3 of team was still the same and b. that they hadn't done the work for me, I had done the hard work, they were vital but if I could do it before I can do it again. That just because things were changing doesn't mean that I would fail or loose all the stuff I had accomplished.

More to come ... stay tuned.