I can't believe that the school year has finally arrived tomorrow I start back on what might be my last year of school. This year it will be a challenge not only is my school load harder than it has ever been but I have begun a journey I can't turn back on.
A major part of this journey is making my self care a priority. Now don't read that wrong it isn't about making things all about me, but making sure that I am staying healthy making sure that my eating well, and being active is a priority in each day. I am not sure how this will work out practically but I am determined to press on with it, and it helps to know that I have support and people who will help me to be focused on what my goals really are.
But the start of the semester brings with it more than just the challenge of fitting self care in but also
* What do I do now while I study, it used to be that I would munch or sip my way through long hours of reading or studying
* What do I do to keep focused. My mind runs a thousand miles a minute and usually chewing on something helps me to focus, so I have eaten my way through classes
* What do I do when study groups are all meeting over dinner and grabbing a bite to eat
* What do I do now on my way to and from school, I used to snack during the just short of an hour car ride
You see it isn't that other people haven't found ways to do all these things, it is that for me I am just beginning to realize how much power, and time this food thing took up. Now it is a matter of relearning all these behaviors. All these times when food isn't necessary but I have made it so.
I am scared.. scared to try to find new ways to focus and concentrate, scared to face situations where I will have to turn down food, and scared that somewhere along the way I will give up. Not because I don't have the best of intentions but because that has been my M.O.
You see I will also be starting this school year at a weight I haven't been in a long while, and there is kind of this sense of is this really for real. Has this new style of life really begun to take hold or is it a temporary thing. I think this might be it, but even just committing that far brings the pulse up just a few more notches.
I really want this, I want to be different, I want to change the way I cope, I want to personify the life change that I want other to have faith can exist for them. A wise friend once said to me recently. . . Sarah, how can you expect to be someone who shares and leads others to life change if you aren't willing to let it happen (go through it) in your own life....
To that I say Good Point. So ...
Though I am scared, Though I am trying not to believe that I will fail, Though I am painfully exposing that which has been held in the darkness of my heart; thereby removing its power , Though I am anxious... I have to stand tall..
because
I believe in a God who can help me through, how has waited for me to arrive at this point, I have friends who I am counting on loving me through truth, even when I am stubborn.
Because this time it has to be different...this time its about becoming healthy to serve the Lord better.
This isn't a new journey, this is just a continuation of the one that I began in January. You see, I was ready to see only in part. Back in January I was ready to begin to see the truth of who I was and how I was dealing with the world around me. Now , now I see a little more clearly just how much power I have allowed my relationship with food to take.
So with all this said, school starts tomorrow. Ready or not here it comes.
