Since then I have gotten a body bug just like the ones that they get on the biggest loser. It is a great thing and so exciting it is really giving me some great feedback and helping me to see just what it is my body is doing. One of the first things that it has revealed to me is that I am burning just over 3,000 calories a day. I was only taking in under 1,500. We believe this was the reason that I almost passed out at the gym.
Since then my trainer (Kevin) (the new one) had me on very light workouts while we tried to figure this all out. Once we saw what I was burning vs. what I was consuming he said (politely) That he would like to see me eating at least 2,000 calories a day. Since I am running almost non stop it would help me with energy focus and weight loss.
Honestly I struggle so much with this idea. How can consuming more help you to lose weight? Right. Well I understand the physical side of it. If you don't feed your body enough it will not process what you do feed it but it will store it up, thus keeping on the weight. So I started eating 2,000 calories a day. Then last thursday I went to Jenny and weighed in and I had gained the second week in a row. (ARGH! so frustrating)
Then the lies started running in my head. "This is how you will always be" "You won't change this" "You will always be fat" Now don't get me wrong I know they are all lies but they tug at the heart. So I turn them down I don't allow them to stay, but they still hurt because for a minute they nick my soul .
Then I was away this weekend, and I just saw pictures. It is amazing how a picture really can convey a thousand words. I know that I have no idea what my body looks like but when i saw these pictures go up I was so deflated. Don't get me wrong they are great pictures. (thanks dale) But I just feel like I look exactly the same. So why am I putting in all this effort.
You see I know that I am running again finally now that I have my energy back and I am sweating again. (Both good things) But I still feel like I am that fat girls. Now God, had recently done some great things in this area of my life to show me that the identity of fat girl is no longer who I am, but I still feel like fat girl, and I am reminded by these photos just how far it is that I have to go.
So that brings me closer to the end of this tirade. I am frustrated because I see that I have so much farther to go, and yet now I am eating more calories then before. I just don't see how this is going to work out. Plus it is frustrating to be doing all this work and not seeing any results. I know I shouldn't be doing it for the results, but it is hard to press on.
Sorry all you are getting this post in a time of depleting encouragement.
hmmm... now you know that I was a physical education major in college. what you may not know is that I had to study the physiology of exercise, not just how to play golf and lacrosse... well I had to study those too, along with basketball, tennis.. you get the picture. Anyway, I love you so much, I want to be able to help you. It is hard to know if you would like cerebral stuff or heart stuff.. (you know I tend to be more of a "T" (thinker) and your Mom the "F" (feeler)). But I have big arms too for big hugs. I think however that giving yourself the gift of time might help. You have alot going on in your life and shortening the focus of your goals relative to your physical self may be best. So, tomorrow morning when you wake up, do you have the strength that you want to charge through the day with your hectic schedule? did you get your workout in? (1 of the 5-6 per week) did you get your meals in? and did you drink enough water to replace what you lost through activity Plus the 8 glasses everyone should drink every day! If not, adjust for today!
ReplyDeleteTry to cope with the frustration; every day is such a gift!
Try to focus from the inside out.
hey chica.
ReplyDeletedon't give up.
what i've learned about what perseverance is, is that you keep going even when results don't seem to be in the near future. and it keeps going amidst fluctuations. even when change isn't seen -- really, looking back, you've changed so much! it's created character. and that creates hope. and His Love then ministers to us by the Holy Spirit.
don't give up. change has come, and more is coming. <3