Where have all the postings gone?

What !? When did it become the end of January. Well at least I am able to get one more blog in before the first month of Twenty Eleven. This new year starts off on a good foot, I am down with only about 35 lbs left to go in my weight loss. I am feeling great, getting used to new clothing; but more than all that I have begun to see that I am a person of worth.

I know for some of you, you think of course isn't everyone. However while it is true and many people will stand next to you and tell you of the worth they see in your, they struggle to see it in themselves.

If I have learned one thing over the past year it has been that unless I am looking at and addressing what is on the inside any change I go to make will only be temporary. Wow as I read that it seems so... new agish. When I speak of looking at the inside for me it has meant learning to live in the present, learning to live a life that is not numbed by food, but is actually lived. It has meant learning to know that my worth is not in what I do, or what I could do but my worth is in who I am.

I have struggled in the past few weeks. I have learned enough about eating and what I can eat to be able to eat off my strict program and still see a weight loss. This is a good thing! However then I need to readjust my expectations because losing only 1/2 a pound a week just is incredibly frustrating. So the choice becomes mine, do I continue to eat off my program and lose 1/2 a pound a week or do I find the discipline to get back on program and eat what I should. Oh the choices. I guess I will have to make them moment by moment.

Welcome 2011

Well the new year is here and I am still on the journey. Boy I was hoping that I wouldn't be. I am disappointed to say the least. I had big hopes that by today I would be a brand new skinny me. I would be at my goal and my life would be totally different. I am just being honest. My expectation was that this year, by January of 2011 I would have a handle on my eating addiction. That I would be in my own eyes skinny and that I would be in this euphoric state of happiness.

Guess what. I am not, not really any of those things, but I am ok.

I may not be 'skinny' but I am skinnier. I have lost weight and I am not the same size nor the same person I was.

I may not have my cravings and desires for food under control, but I am a more conscientious eater. I am working on my relationship with food, and removing the power it has had over my life. I am learning that using food can longer be used to stuff down my emotions or other things. I am learning that food is simply for nourishment, it doesn't need to be used for anything else.

And while I am not in some fake euphoric state of happiness. I am happy, God is doing great things in my life, showing me things that He wants to address, I am willing to see change in my life and that is what makes me happy.

You see the number on the scale, or the size of the clothing never determines, makes or creates your happiness. I am finding that happiness for me comes from learning to be authentic. From reveling in the mysteries of who I am and who I am created to be. That is what makes me happy.

Do not get me wrong there is something fun about watching me shrink out of clothes, and watching the numbers on the scale fall (even it is slowly) but at times those things are more frightening then they are exciting. Instead... It is about learning to just sit in the midst of life, to be present, and fully participating in life.

So here we are, starting another new year, and the journey continues. I am in. What are you hoping to see different 365 days from now, dream big... but remember sometimes what we hope to see happen just isn't what is in the plans.