I know that I am not a word smith in fact I am pretty horrible with my grammar as most of you realize if you read my blog at all. Someday maybe I will have the time to learn more about grammar, but for now I get by. When I look at this word ENTITLEMENT I see three parts of this word. En title and ment. Ment- to me is something like a state of being, Title refers to identity, or expectations and the En- to me usually deals with more than one person, the relationship between people (ie encouragement, entrust, engage etc... they take multiple people) So when I put these words together I get a definition of your state of being or identity, you expectations , how you currently are acting while engaging with other people.
This evening I was chatting and doing some journalling and I was dwelling on the word entitled. Asking myself if I feel I am entitled to things. For me there is not any single good association with the word entitled. I think when we become entitled is when we lose our sense of gratitude. We begin to expect things from people and the world around us and forget to stop being thankful. It is when our thoughts, actions, and attitudes turn sour.
So you must be wondering how this relates to my journey. Well I think recently I have been walking around entitled. I was feeling like things should be going a certain way for me and they weren't. I am not where I thought I would be emotionally, spiritually or physically at this point. And I feel like I deserve more. Wow! Look at all those times I said feel.
So quick update. . . I have been working at Nyack this summer with a summer warm up program, so I have moved out of my apartment. I am finishing up my internship with my church, so I am trying to transition out and decide what to do about worship. I am launching a debuting something I have never done before, the VBS I wrote. I am living in temporary housing and lets just say things in my life are a little hectic. Although we did have a wonderful addition to our family, my beautiful niece was born in early July. There is just a lot going on.
So I have also joined a new gym. Trying to find a new trainer and make some decisions.
Weight wise and food relation wise, things have been great until the last 3-4 weeks. I am still watching what I am taking in but now I am in a new setting. Just when things are getting settled and I had reached my goal. I crept back up a little. What do you expect, I am now eating in a dining hall again. I have a crazy schedule and to be honest, I haven't been eating enough so I think I have slowed things down myself. I have been so nervous I just haven't been hungry or I have been working and have just forgotten to take the time. It frustrates me because these are old default, but it just goes to show that when we are stressed and under pressure it is easy to slip back into our defaults.
So where do we go from here....
First step for me was blogging again. (Thanks Cousin Betsy!) Being honest with myself and my friends that I have gain a few pounds... and yes it is just a few... but it is time to re-evaluate. What is it that I want? Why am I doing this? Both great questions that I just don't have the answers to.. yet.
Transition bring out in me all my entitlement stuff... it is during this time of my life that I am realizing just how much I have taken for granted and felt like I deserve. I have much to be thankful for.... I think we all do.
Second step.. Allow the transition to be ok . It is ok to feel displaced and some of the other stuff I am feeling I just need to acknowledge it and identify it for what it is, and then allow it to be handled properly, which might include some grieving. :( All of which will be good in the end.
Third : remember my priorities. About 8months ago I agreed that my health spiritual, emotional and physical were my top priorities. I need to make sure they stay that way.
So for now, I am off to sleep.
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