New Chapters

Greetings from my chair. Today has been a crazy day and I thought there would be no better way to unpack it then to blog. It has been a while (a month actually) since I have blogged and figured now is a great time to do just that.

Since September things have really begun to accelerate. I thought I would update you all on a few areas, school, work, weight loss journey, and random musings

School

I realized that school is actually in session and this means I need to be doing homework, not just attending classes... (who knew).My classes are going well I have four more classes that I am currently taking until the completion of my Masters of Divinity. It is scary to me to begin to think about what comes next. I have enjoyed the past three years because I knew what was coming next. There would be another semester of classes that would lead me closer to this goal. Now here I stand about 40 school days till the end of my Masters program. If I am going to be honest (which I am ) I am terrified. I don't know how I will pay back my loans, I don't know how I will live, where I will be living, what I will be doing.

I go back and forth on this, some moments I am just fine. There is a large amount of trust and faith, and reliance on God to provide the means and I know that I have a large amount of time before I need to know any of these things. Then I realize that I am trusting and not in control (both of which are good) and I begin to worry and wonder why I am not concerned and I build up the concern in the mind and in my heart.

Job

The new job. I love it. I love that I am able and encourage to use my gifts and to operate in the way that I have been created and designed to do. I love the team of Ladies that I get to work with and help develop. I love having a great woman of God to work under. She pours herself out always for her team, and it is seen and appreciated.

Weight Loss Journey

I am sure that this is the category most of you will skip down to read. I mean most of you have been on this journey with me for almost 2 years now. I never would have thought that i would still be here still be struggling still be pressing on. I wish I had amazing news that I now weighed this amazing number and looked great and felt great. Instead I have a bit more of a realistic update. I am still down 89 lbs. Which is great! I am still aware of what I eat and am working out! However I am not sure that the amount of energy it takes to stay in a good place will ever lessen. It is amazing how my struggle with relating food in a good way is one that will always be there. Sometimes the battle is easily won, and sometimes it is lost.

There have been some amazing times where I have felt like wow, things are great then there are times, like this moment when I am struggling to process things and find myself eating a bowl of Mac and Cheese at 12:45 in the morning. :( It can be so hard to explain to others what this journey is like. This is one of those times that I find myself really relating to Paul. He talks in his letters about the times when he does the things he doesn't want to do and the things he wants to do he doesn't do. I know that eating mac and cheese isn't the best choice. I know that eating at 12:45 in the morning makes it a slightly more worse choice and yet I find myself doing it. So I ask myself "Why? Why are you doing this?" the answer.... I don't know.

Eating for me has always been about control, controlling my world, and controlling myself. I have several different thoughts that go through my mind. 1.) If I eat I won't feel this way 2.) If I eat then I might be happier 3.) Well I don't know what to do so I will eat 4.) I just might be able to disqualify myself if I keep eating . Usually one of these 4 are the keys to my eating. When I am winning the battle I am eating because my body is hungry and it deserves to be fed and fed well. When I am in a tougher spot I am eating because it is usually associated with one of the 4 reasons.

I have to interject a story before I continue. I just finished a 5k today I don't remember if that is at the top of my blog or not. I have been training with the new trainer (shout out to Sarah!!! Woo Hoo!) and I have a running partner who runs with me at least 3 days a week (Shout out to Wanda! Yay!) Since August we have been running and working towards this race and now here it was race day and I am terrified. Actually the night before I had a mild freak out. I was convinced that I would not be able to make it... even past the first hill.

But I did. and not only did I make it up that first hill but every hill after that, I ran the race, I didn't stop I didn't walk I just ran. Granted as I was starting the second lap people were finishing, but I am learning to tell myself it is ok because I ran my race. However I have found that running gives me a lot of time to think and I tend to get emotional, which leads to either expressing it or eating it. I could have finished first or last but neither would matter unless I left everything I had on that course. Which I did but it has left me with some new realizations.

As I was running my race I began to realize something about myself that was a common theme throughout everything that I have attempted to do. Let say that on a scale of 1 -10 I want to be a 10. But I know that I will actually only be able to be 6 so then I will stop myself when I reach 3, because for me it is easier to be a quitter. So I quit. I stop before I can fail, because I know that I will fail, so I would rather live in the control that I have quit, rather than the idea that I have failed.

So all of this is going through my head as I look back over the race and where I am at. It makes me sad to think that there were some great things that I started and it even begin to think what I might have been able to accomplish if instead of quitting I had actually stuck with it and pushed on, not fearing failure.

SO the journey continues we are now into a new chapter, this weekend held some more big barriers that I broke. Coming to the realization that I have always quit and no longer want to quit was one of the biggest ones. So now I need to begin to really not allow myself to quit, to not give up on me.

So there the update. Thanks for staying in touch with me and my life. :)