Who is that looking back at me

Have you ever had the experience of looking in the mirror and being shocked. I don't mean for the worse but shocked for the better. It has happened this week. I think sometimes it is so hard to see changes as we walk through them. We are so focused on the day and getting to the next one that we fail to take time to look at ourselves. ( I am talking both physically and spiritually) Sometimes we need to come face to face with a 'mirror' in order to get a good view of how far we have traveled.

Just recently I have had a 'mirror' experience both physically and spiritually. Physically I was shown a picture and forced to see the difference from January to now. Wow. . . I guess maybe it is starting to show, just a little. It was nice to hear it recognized, yet kinda of frustrating on another level because, why have I allowed myself to be so absorbed in the doing and getting on of daily life, that I am not taking the time to reflect. I am not taking the time I need to look at where I am and just how far it is that I have come.

The same thing goes for me spiritually. My most recent 'mirror' experience has convinced me it is time to go and dwell with the one who can show me how far I have come. What a great privilege it is to be able to be with Him, so why do I put it off. What am I afraid of? Is it that I will some how feel I haven't come far enough? Or that somehow.... what .... I sit here writing and laughing at myself as I see these fear written down.

How can I allow those fears to stop me from this great time of reflection and being with my Him. Who cares how far it is that I have come, what is important is that I have progressed even a little bit closer to the falling deeper in love with my Lord, and being transformed to be more and more like Him.

Trip to Ireland

March 15th ... the day I was supposed to fulfilling a dream of mine to fly to Ireland. It was supposed to be great! However who would have thought or known that a volcano in ICELAND that had been quiet for 218 years would choose to wait all those years just to ruin my trip.

Ok, I will give you, that comment might be just a little bit self focused, and while I don't really think that it is the gut reaction. I had felt not quite right about this trip the whole week leading up to it, which is rather unusual for me. I love to travel and really enjoy the time leading up to it. So I was blaming it on the fact that I knew very little about this trip and so I was sure that it was a control thing, but now I am not so convinced about that.

So what do we do with the disappointment that we have been given in life. It does seem that recently in my life there has been a lot of disappointment. I am starting to wonder how to handle it. I have been grieving and stressing , and now am just mostly sad. It seems like a triple whammy of shock to the soul.

I must confess... that yesterday and today was spent eating and sleeping, and generally feeling a bit blue. But I think it is time to leave this reaction behind. Not really sure how to move forward, I guess it is just accepting that sometimes life is bumpy and it then becomes a matter of giving grace to myself to feel how I feel, to experience the feelings and know that they are going to end. That this is just a season.

Death and new life, disappointment, failures, successes, sorrow, hardships are all a part of life, they all deserve to be felt, lived and experienced not just stuffed down or ignored. Why? Because it is these experiences that lead us to maturity and completion, it is these experiences that develop our character and give us validity in authority to speak into other people's lives.

What does this mean... I get up, go to the gym, eat good balanced meals and take the day as it comes...trusting in faith that things will be worked out.

Continuing to face discouragement

Three months and two weeks...that is 99 days...2,376 hours.....142,560 minutes That is how long I have been working towards life change. Today is a tough day. I am feeling note that I said feeling like I am failing at this task. I feel like I am still seeing no difference and there is still not real change in the numbers.

So why is it that in spite of feedback. I am still battling these thoughts and self destructiveness. So again it is time to change the perspective.... sure I have been at this for 2,376 hours but...I have been living a destructive life for ...236,520 hours! That is a lot of hours spent learning the habits and negative thoughts that I have.

But even acknowledging this doesn't seem to make the discouraging times easier. Maybe that is the problem I just want it to be easier, I want the easy way, I want this not be a struggle, I just wish for once it would just be easy.

But this week I learn that James 1:4 reminds me that Perseverance must complete its work so that that we might be mature, complete and lacking nothing. I guess this is one of those character building things. One that I am given the chance to persevere through to see it to the other end.

Life and Death

There are few things in this world that can really shake our contentment. I think one of them at least for me would be death. I have a track record for not handling death well, oh who am I kidding I don't just not handle death well, I don't handle it. I have in the past had two modes of operation the first being sleep and avoid. The second mode of dealing would be to eat and shove the pain as far down as possible.

Neither of these has proved to be effective in my life. The first while leaving me rested (kind of) often leaves me with things just under the surface. The second makes me feel better for a little while at first, but leaves me fatter and more unhappy.

Recently my family has suffered a great loss. This time though I resolved to learn to grieve well. I refused to ignore that this loss happened and I refused to feed my face just to deal with me pain. So the journey began to figure out what grieving well looks like.

For me it has involved late night trips to NH to say Goodbye. It has involved tears and laughter, memories and unfulfilled dreams and conversations. It has left me with times when I felt happy, and times when I felt sad, but I have felt, and I am beginning to return to life.

Food for many people especially myself has been a 'drug of choice' it is what we use when we want to feel and when we don't want to feel. We use and abuse it and then wonder why we look and feel the way we do. How is it that we can become so afraid of our own emotions that we are willing to harm and sacrifice our health just to avoid them.

I am not willing to do that. So it is time to learn to grieve well.