Missing some dear friends

So lets just admit what is obvious.  I am a horrible friend communicator.   I have been so blessed over the years to have been given amazing people in my life.  I love them deeply, many of them have been with me for some really really major events in my life. Yet why do I find it so hard to stay in touch.  Even today when things such as facebook and email make life so much easier to share, I still struggle.

So to my dear friends that I haven't spoken to more than a few weeks.  I miss you. I miss sharing life with you, I am hoping that you will forgive me, and help me.  I try hard but I just get so involved in the moment. Please know that I think about you often, and pray for you when you come to mind.  I am sorry I am such a tough person to be friends with.

I saw Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close today.  It was a real tear jerker.  I don't know if the events of 9/11 will ever be less painful for me, or anyone else, I am sure time will remove some of the sting, but watching a family go through it and watching a little boy struggle to make sense of it was so moving.  It made me think of the people that I love that aren't near me.  In the movie the little boy wishes he could have spoken to his dad and it made me realize that i need to learn to be better about this communicating thing.  It is hard but it is so necessary you are in my life for a reason.

I know my family was really blessed during the events of 9/11, while my father was there, he witnessed so much he survived. I can't imagine what life would be like right now if I had lost my father that day. So it made me realize just how special people are to me.

I am gonna try... gonna try to continue to reach out because I really do miss you.

Making a difference

dis·tin·guished

   [dih-sting-gwisht]  Show IPA

adjective

1.

made conspicuous by excellence; noted; eminent; famous:a distinguished scholar.

2.

having an air of distinction,  dignity, or eminence: adistinguished old gentleman.

3.

conspicuous; marked.

So I was thinking today that I want to do something that distinguishes me. I am not sure how this relates to living a servants life, but I want to do something that changes the world. Inspires people, something that I feel is making a difference in the world. 

Today I have felt just really average. Don't get me wrong, average is supposed to be good, but for me I just get frustrated with it.  I don't want to be average, but i feel sometimes I lack what it takes to be and do something that impacts the world. 

I was thinking today as I avoided my workout, that I wish that there was something that I was amazing at.  I mean I know I can do a lot of things but what would it be like to be really really good at one thing. To have an idea of what it is that you were supposed to do. I see others around me and it is so easy to see how they have been designed to stand out.  They are athletic, they have amazing administrative skills, they can change a room, they are artistic, they can sing, they can do all these different things, and I am in awe.  Then I look at me, and I look at all these things that I have experienced, tried, but I never seem to really get good at. 

My parent have always said I have had phases in life.  I become passionate about something and then I drop it. Out of no where I just put it down and walk away.  Why? Is it driven by fear? Is it because I am supposed to just be average?  There is a saying "Jack of all trades but Master of none." That's me, I can pick up something and try it. I might even get proficient at it but then it never develops further. Something I drop because I get frustrated, sometimes I just stay where I am at, and dream and watch others get better and better.  

I wonder sometimes what it is in others that makes them distinguished, that makes them a champion.  Is it something that is learned, earned, grown, chosen, or is something that you just either have or don't.  

Some people tell me it is about knowing why you are doing it. Maybe wanting to do it to inspire or change the world isn't enough. Maybe I will just be average.  There is nothing really wrong with being average. But somehow I can't stop desiring to be distinguished, to make a difference. 

Is it that I need to learn humility? That I need to under that just being here is enough, just going through life, but that is so unsatisfying. I want more. I want to do more and be more. 

So... how do I make this desire a reality.  Especially on days when I barely want to workout.  I go I workout but today was half hearted, and that I know won't help me. Is it wrong to want to see results.  How else do you stay motivated? People can't cheer lead you all the way, you need to find your own motivation, at least this is what is true for me. But when you don't see progress...how do you stay motivated?

I am not sure why today my thoughts changed towards this.  I have been lingering around this idea for a few weeks, and today I just really haven't been able to get this out of my mind. What should I be doing differently? What do I need to change? Why isn't it working out for me?

I am not in a bad place really, but a place of questioning.  I guess that is what happens every once and a while.  I am trying to figure out some goals, spiritually, physically and professionally.   Whenever I try to figure some things out I begin to question, and look inside. Yet am often met with more questions.

Not sure how to go about answering these questions or beginning to define what distinguished me, or what I have to contribute that will change the world. Not sure when it will happen, but I want it to because while average is ok, I am hungry for something more. I guess I just need to decide how hungry I am for it. 

My Past Coming Into Play

2012! What! How did this happen, I took a little time tonight and read back over a few of my blogs from the beginning.   I can not believe this journey has been for 2 years.  Back in 2010 when I first started blogging I was hoping to loose 80 -100 lbs in that year. Well it didn't happen, but now we are 97 lbs down! And closer than ever to the goal, however I have extended it, and am looking to loose the last 25 lbs. 
This will require more focus and attention to my eating and workouts than I have put forth in a while.  I have been very cautious to choose workout routines and eating schedules in which a lot was pre-done for me.  I haven't really been pushing myself in the past 2 years with my workouts I was doing was I could, but not really pushing hard, and with my diet I have done programs that gave me my food and was just very relaxed about what I was eating.  Well I am done with this half focused journey.


But before I could stop this half hearted journey I needed to look at why I had chosen this path over the last two years.  It didn't take long for me to realize that I have been playing it safe, I have been living slightly fearful.  I had a great conversation with my mom this past weekend and we talked about my struggles in the past with my ED. We talked about that this will really be the first time in 10 years since I have been in recovery that I have had this intense of a focus on my diet and exercise.  But the difference is I am ready.  I am in the best place I have ever been emotionally, spiritually, and psychologically.  I have great friends around me, I am a part of a strong community, and I am more aware than ever before. Yet even with all this I know it is important to make a point to bring those who are closest to me in on my plans.  So here we go, we have 5 months and 25 lbs.  Time to be focused and disciplined to reach the goal, and do it in a way that is healthy, safe, fun, and long lasting. The past will remain in the past, and the future hold new things for me. 


Today I was also asked a really interesting question.  I was in the car with a friend and we were talking and I mentioned music and what I had done in my past with music and she asked, "So why did you stop?" I had no answer for her.  Why did I stop, I put my music stuff away once I finished my required classes in college and just walked away. What did I walk away from? Why had I done what I did? and, Why did I stop doing it? 


Today and this week has definitely been a week of thinking back over the past, and wondering what the future holds for me.