Making a difference

dis·tin·guished

   [dih-sting-gwisht]  Show IPA

adjective

1.

made conspicuous by excellence; noted; eminent; famous:a distinguished scholar.

2.

having an air of distinction,  dignity, or eminence: adistinguished old gentleman.

3.

conspicuous; marked.

So I was thinking today that I want to do something that distinguishes me. I am not sure how this relates to living a servants life, but I want to do something that changes the world. Inspires people, something that I feel is making a difference in the world. 

Today I have felt just really average. Don't get me wrong, average is supposed to be good, but for me I just get frustrated with it.  I don't want to be average, but i feel sometimes I lack what it takes to be and do something that impacts the world. 

I was thinking today as I avoided my workout, that I wish that there was something that I was amazing at.  I mean I know I can do a lot of things but what would it be like to be really really good at one thing. To have an idea of what it is that you were supposed to do. I see others around me and it is so easy to see how they have been designed to stand out.  They are athletic, they have amazing administrative skills, they can change a room, they are artistic, they can sing, they can do all these different things, and I am in awe.  Then I look at me, and I look at all these things that I have experienced, tried, but I never seem to really get good at. 

My parent have always said I have had phases in life.  I become passionate about something and then I drop it. Out of no where I just put it down and walk away.  Why? Is it driven by fear? Is it because I am supposed to just be average?  There is a saying "Jack of all trades but Master of none." That's me, I can pick up something and try it. I might even get proficient at it but then it never develops further. Something I drop because I get frustrated, sometimes I just stay where I am at, and dream and watch others get better and better.  

I wonder sometimes what it is in others that makes them distinguished, that makes them a champion.  Is it something that is learned, earned, grown, chosen, or is something that you just either have or don't.  

Some people tell me it is about knowing why you are doing it. Maybe wanting to do it to inspire or change the world isn't enough. Maybe I will just be average.  There is nothing really wrong with being average. But somehow I can't stop desiring to be distinguished, to make a difference. 

Is it that I need to learn humility? That I need to under that just being here is enough, just going through life, but that is so unsatisfying. I want more. I want to do more and be more. 

So... how do I make this desire a reality.  Especially on days when I barely want to workout.  I go I workout but today was half hearted, and that I know won't help me. Is it wrong to want to see results.  How else do you stay motivated? People can't cheer lead you all the way, you need to find your own motivation, at least this is what is true for me. But when you don't see progress...how do you stay motivated?

I am not sure why today my thoughts changed towards this.  I have been lingering around this idea for a few weeks, and today I just really haven't been able to get this out of my mind. What should I be doing differently? What do I need to change? Why isn't it working out for me?

I am not in a bad place really, but a place of questioning.  I guess that is what happens every once and a while.  I am trying to figure out some goals, spiritually, physically and professionally.   Whenever I try to figure some things out I begin to question, and look inside. Yet am often met with more questions.

Not sure how to go about answering these questions or beginning to define what distinguished me, or what I have to contribute that will change the world. Not sure when it will happen, but I want it to because while average is ok, I am hungry for something more. I guess I just need to decide how hungry I am for it.