Frustrated

So I think I told you all about my little excitement with nearly passing out in the gym. If I haven't some one please let me know and I will catch you all up to speed.

Since then I have gotten a body bug just like the ones that they get on the biggest loser. It is a great thing and so exciting it is really giving me some great feedback and helping me to see just what it is my body is doing. One of the first things that it has revealed to me is that I am burning just over 3,000 calories a day. I was only taking in under 1,500. We believe this was the reason that I almost passed out at the gym.

Since then my trainer (Kevin) (the new one) had me on very light workouts while we tried to figure this all out. Once we saw what I was burning vs. what I was consuming he said (politely) That he would like to see me eating at least 2,000 calories a day. Since I am running almost non stop it would help me with energy focus and weight loss.

Honestly I struggle so much with this idea. How can consuming more help you to lose weight? Right. Well I understand the physical side of it. If you don't feed your body enough it will not process what you do feed it but it will store it up, thus keeping on the weight. So I started eating 2,000 calories a day. Then last thursday I went to Jenny and weighed in and I had gained the second week in a row. (ARGH! so frustrating)

Then the lies started running in my head. "This is how you will always be" "You won't change this" "You will always be fat" Now don't get me wrong I know they are all lies but they tug at the heart. So I turn them down I don't allow them to stay, but they still hurt because for a minute they nick my soul .

Then I was away this weekend, and I just saw pictures. It is amazing how a picture really can convey a thousand words. I know that I have no idea what my body looks like but when i saw these pictures go up I was so deflated. Don't get me wrong they are great pictures. (thanks dale) But I just feel like I look exactly the same. So why am I putting in all this effort.

You see I know that I am running again finally now that I have my energy back and I am sweating again. (Both good things) But I still feel like I am that fat girls. Now God, had recently done some great things in this area of my life to show me that the identity of fat girl is no longer who I am, but I still feel like fat girl, and I am reminded by these photos just how far it is that I have to go.

So that brings me closer to the end of this tirade. I am frustrated because I see that I have so much farther to go, and yet now I am eating more calories then before. I just don't see how this is going to work out. Plus it is frustrating to be doing all this work and not seeing any results. I know I shouldn't be doing it for the results, but it is hard to press on.

Sorry all you are getting this post in a time of depleting encouragement.

Continued Update

So during my last blog I told you about the change in my team.

I also want to be honest and share with you where I am at. You see most of you know I am a christian, my faith, and my belief in God is the root of who I am, and I desire to make sure that what I do flows from this as well. So you see God has been doing great things in my life. He has been helping me to come to understand that I have heard lies about myself that I have taken on and begun to believe.

God has just been doing great things but it leaves me feeling raw and in a place where I am not in control, which is different for me. I feel vulnerable, it is requiring me to rely on others.

I have found that in times of crisis or pain I tend to revert to what I know, food. However this time around in the midst of this I will not revert to stuffing down my feelings or hiding them. This time I am going to not just deal with them but embrace them.

However this past weekend probably posed one of the biggest challenges for me. You see the goal for the year was to put my self care first then order my life around it. So my relationship with God, and my eating, and working out were to be planned first. Then I was to schedule the rest of my days around that. But the past two weeks things have just been out of control. I mean I have gotten busy and haven't been sleeping well, maybe doing to much. ?

So Saturday I went to the gym, and I had slept in late and only grabbed a protein bar which I didn't eat far enough in advance. And thankfully I was training with Kevin, the new trainer. He was awesome saw the changes before I knew they were happening and totally stepped in and kept me on this side of passing out. Once I was on the ground and my vision and hearing began to come back we took the steps necessary to get me back on the healing road.

For the next two days I laid low and tried to begin to understand what had happened, and what to do with the central nervous system as it rebooted itself.

Then on Monday my dad was put into the hospital, and then Tuesday morning we found out my Grandmother had died. This has been hard. I was in the trend of not putting a focus on my self care and now was drastically made aware that I needed to refocus. Yet with the grief I just don't feel like eating. It kind of makes me nauseous. However; I know that I need to eat. Eating is something that I need to do to focus on my self care, and making sure that I am in the best place possible to serve and honor the Lord.

You see when I am focused on other things, my life begins to feel out of control, and crazy. With God already doing things that make me feel a little raw it is really necessary to make sure that I am taking care of me.

So, tomorrow we return. It is time to find my focus on my self care and once again focus on what it is that needs to be done so that I can be at my most effective for the work and role I am called to in the Kingdom.

Will this change how I feel? No, but it will allow me to have a clearer head to embrace and process what I am feeling. That will help. Knowing that I am hearing from God, and that I am in a right mind allows me to focus and allow God to have the access to help me process what ever is necessary.

Latest in life

Dear Blogging friends;

It is time that I share with you some things that have been happening in my life.

1.) My Team has changed. :( One of the most important things that has come with my life change is the creation of a team of people who surround me and help me stay focused on what I need to be doing. When you are trying to do life change it is important to remember that you are undoing x number of years of learned behavior. You can't do it on your own. That was lesson one. At least for me it helped me to stay focused. When things would get out of control, when I want to give up when I am sure that I just will never be any different, that is when my teams steps in. They become my cheerleaders, my pushers (keeping me going), my teachers (helping me to know just what I am capable of) I need them. So do you. Whether you are making huge life changes or just looking to travel on the journey of life we need people around us, it makes us better when we let people in.

So with my trainer leaving (miss you Janice) I had to find another trainer. It was hard to adjust to the idea that the team was changing. I freaked momentarily and then was reminded that a. 2/3 of team was still the same and b. that they hadn't done the work for me, I had done the hard work, they were vital but if I could do it before I can do it again. That just because things were changing doesn't mean that I would fail or loose all the stuff I had accomplished.

More to come ... stay tuned.

Where have all the postings gone?

What !? When did it become the end of January. Well at least I am able to get one more blog in before the first month of Twenty Eleven. This new year starts off on a good foot, I am down with only about 35 lbs left to go in my weight loss. I am feeling great, getting used to new clothing; but more than all that I have begun to see that I am a person of worth.

I know for some of you, you think of course isn't everyone. However while it is true and many people will stand next to you and tell you of the worth they see in your, they struggle to see it in themselves.

If I have learned one thing over the past year it has been that unless I am looking at and addressing what is on the inside any change I go to make will only be temporary. Wow as I read that it seems so... new agish. When I speak of looking at the inside for me it has meant learning to live in the present, learning to live a life that is not numbed by food, but is actually lived. It has meant learning to know that my worth is not in what I do, or what I could do but my worth is in who I am.

I have struggled in the past few weeks. I have learned enough about eating and what I can eat to be able to eat off my strict program and still see a weight loss. This is a good thing! However then I need to readjust my expectations because losing only 1/2 a pound a week just is incredibly frustrating. So the choice becomes mine, do I continue to eat off my program and lose 1/2 a pound a week or do I find the discipline to get back on program and eat what I should. Oh the choices. I guess I will have to make them moment by moment.

Welcome 2011

Well the new year is here and I am still on the journey. Boy I was hoping that I wouldn't be. I am disappointed to say the least. I had big hopes that by today I would be a brand new skinny me. I would be at my goal and my life would be totally different. I am just being honest. My expectation was that this year, by January of 2011 I would have a handle on my eating addiction. That I would be in my own eyes skinny and that I would be in this euphoric state of happiness.

Guess what. I am not, not really any of those things, but I am ok.

I may not be 'skinny' but I am skinnier. I have lost weight and I am not the same size nor the same person I was.

I may not have my cravings and desires for food under control, but I am a more conscientious eater. I am working on my relationship with food, and removing the power it has had over my life. I am learning that using food can longer be used to stuff down my emotions or other things. I am learning that food is simply for nourishment, it doesn't need to be used for anything else.

And while I am not in some fake euphoric state of happiness. I am happy, God is doing great things in my life, showing me things that He wants to address, I am willing to see change in my life and that is what makes me happy.

You see the number on the scale, or the size of the clothing never determines, makes or creates your happiness. I am finding that happiness for me comes from learning to be authentic. From reveling in the mysteries of who I am and who I am created to be. That is what makes me happy.

Do not get me wrong there is something fun about watching me shrink out of clothes, and watching the numbers on the scale fall (even it is slowly) but at times those things are more frightening then they are exciting. Instead... It is about learning to just sit in the midst of life, to be present, and fully participating in life.

So here we are, starting another new year, and the journey continues. I am in. What are you hoping to see different 365 days from now, dream big... but remember sometimes what we hope to see happen just isn't what is in the plans.

December update

It is now the end of december where in the world did 2010 go. I know time flies, but really, seriously this fast. I can hardly remember each of the months they have all seen to go by so quickly.

This holiday season has been a struggle, at times I feel like so much has been going on that I am not sure what is happening although it is hard to stay in control when you aren't even sure what is going on, and that is a good place for me to be.

Spiritually, God has been showing me what my next step towards wholeness looks like. It is a matter of finding a way to express my emotions and not just hold them in, deny them, or bottle them. Talk about a challenge, but it is something many people struggle with.

Emotionally, the semester is over. (Enough Said)

Physically - I have really struggled this holiday season. It is like my self control is waning. (Not a good thing) So I am trying to trust myself and the life change that I have made, to make good choices and be aware of what is going in my mouth. I am still loosing (yay!) But it has slowed down more like 1-2 pounds a week, which is still good just not as quick as I would like it to be. (isn't that true for all of us) This week in particular.. I went to the gym to see the fabulous trainer!!! (who is leaving soon :( ) and when I got weighed in I was only down .5 pounds.... I know I shouldn't complain, after all I saw what when into my mouth, and it was christmas week and I still lost. I know many people wish they could say that, but ... really only .5 pounds.......!!

I have been reading this great book, called Women Food and God by Geneen Roth. What a great book, almost done with it and I am sure this is one I will go back to again.

I can't believe tomorrow is New Years Eve, this is the end of my resolution. What a crazy year.

Reflections on the Tree

Oh Christmas Tree, Oh Christmas Tree... How very lovely are thee....

Christmas time, the end of the semesters, moving back home... yeah I would say that this is a lot to have going on in one persons life. I am finding out that it needs to be just taking one moment at a time. Making sure that in each moment I am making the best choices and I have my priorities straight.

I am not sure about you, but at some point this week I am certain that the weather must have made me wonky, because for about a 24 hour period, think I ate just about everything that I came in contact with. Not sure how this happened, like I said I think it was the weather, at least I wanted it to be the weather. It is amazing how this can happen, I was so focused and still am focused however it was just a brief period of time. So I woke up the next morning and put my priorities straight. I went to the gym, I owned up to my eating and stopped the insanity.

It felt great... now I am just trying to stay on top of all of this. One of the cool things going on in my life is reading this book call WOMEN FOOD AND GOD unusual pathways to almost everything. What a great book. I will post more as I read more.

This week the semester finally ends and I can't wait. Academically this has been one of my most challenging semesters, I have seen some great things but will be glad to have the school work side of things over.