It is finished!

It is finished.  I have completed my final semester in my Masters of Divinity program at Alliance Theological Seminary.  Now what?  Three and half years I have been working toward this and now it is over, just like that.  What do I do?  Why did I run this race?

The past weeks have been some of the toughest weeks in this journey, leaving me in tears, and ready to give up.  That would have been what the old Sarah did, but now this new Sarah, reached out to family and friends and asked them to help. To come along side me and help me through, I took advice, and allowed others to let me fall apart.  At one point I was at a friends house and she was speaking to her children and said "ok, put the electronics away, middle of the table." I looked at the phone in my hand and put it in the middle of the table, then i realized I didn't need to do everything others were telling me.

I hit a new low point with my diet and exercise. I was at the gym working out and did an exercise station that was directly in front of the mirror, and the lies came full force.  I had nothing left to fight them so I gave in.  I was done, I wanted nothing more to do with this journey with trying so hard, after all when I was stuck staring at myself in that mirror I didn't see any change.  Nothing was ever going to change to why keep going.  (at least that is what I was believing)

I gave myself 5 working days to feel this way, it started Monday and I determined that by Friday I would pull myself out of this funk.  However it was thursday night when things started to come around.  I talked to my running buddies and asked them to go above and beyond to make sure that ran friday morning.  Even if it meant coming and pulling me out of my bed to do it.   They didn't need to, I got up and headed out, and things began to turn the corner.  I met all my dead lines and it is done.

Things were going well I was turning around, I had finished school writing over 60 pages in the last few weeks, I had started running again. Then it happened....

What started as what seemed like an innocent toe cramp, has become such a frustrating thing.  Ok, I know I am not a marathon runner, I know I am not a professional athlete, but I am woman who has goals and things she desires.  and this toe is really starting to bother me.  So on a monday I had this toe cramp, it was fine enough to run tuesday, wednesday, thursday, I took friday off and tried to run on Saturday.. and I was about 1 mile in and was in so much pain I couldn't run so I had to walk, back home. Then Sunday I was going to run, but just standing and walking hurt. Talked with some amazing people, (the great trainer, Sarah Sauer and Associates) and decided that it was time to ice the foot.  I iced it for the first time Sunday night, then it was great! Yay! So I ran on it Monday just a little run 3 miles, then trained, a great session, then I was sure to ice my foot again Monday night.

Tuesday I woke up and it was a little painful probably a 2 on a scale of 1 - 10 but as the morning went on it steadily climbed, so no run and minimal training (strength). So tonight the toe got a double bath... (torture) and it better be feeling better tomorrow.  After a healthy dose of Ankle ABC's and some toe training.. (hehehe) it got a great rub and is tucked away ready for bed.

But talk about frustrating.  This toe is so small yet produces a great amount of pain, but isn't it usually the case.  It wasn't the 3.5 years that were the hardest it was the last 2 weeks that created the hardest amount of pain.  Yes there is nothing that you can do about it, but trust others, and allow them to help you during this time.

So that is where it is ...

Thinking over Turkey

Happy Thanksgiving Friends.  It is hard to believe that I have been blogging now for 2 years.  What a crazy thought.Yes some years have been more fruitful in terms of the number of blogs, but either way I still enjoy coming back here keep those of you who read up to date.

I have had lots of time recently to do some thinking. For those of you that remember in October I ran my second 5k race the Nyack Homecoming Fun Run.   This was one of the hardest things I have ever done. Around mile 2 I was ready to quit. I saw no need to finish I was in last place and I was exhausted and mentally I was defeated, but I had some amazing people come around me and I did finish!  I learn a lot about myself in that race one of the things that I learned the most was how often in life I had given up on myself. The dreams that I had I would just stop pursuing because I was so afraid of failing that I would stop way short of any goals, because it was easier in my mind if I quit than if I fail.  I have a feeling some of you can understand this mind set.

Well since that race in October I have committed myself to training and treating my body like the athlete I want it perform like. (Somedays have been better treatment days than other) But in all cases I committed to running this 5 mile race on thanksgiving day. I worked with an amazing trainer, and ran with some amazing friends, just about 6 days a week since then.  I knew I wouldn't be super fast, in comparison to others, but I hoped I would finish.

Leading up to race day my friends were some of the most gracious people I have ever encountered.  I was so nervous. I would spend time  trying to visual me finishing the race and feeling strong, but each time I tried I would defeat myself. I would give up.  During my training runs I stuck by the motto "will not quit, I will finish" (totally stolen from a friend , thanks Sarah)  But it fit my life. This was something I was not willing to quit on myself over.  I was going to finish.

We had done the right training we had even done  a 6 mile run during our training so it wasn't like I could do the distance. The only thing that would stop me from completing this race would be injury or my own mental defeat.  It was 5 miles with over 3,000 people. What was I thinking.

Well to jump right to the end I finished the race. (yay!) and I kept my pace time and completed in my goal time.  So the race ended well, but running a 5 mile race gives you time to think, lots of time in my case to think.

So I began to have pictures of all these times in my life when I had spoken the words "oh, I could never do that."  or  "That would never happen for me."  or  "yeah, well that is just not what I do."  All these things I had spoken over my life. What was I thinking?

I have always had a dream of being an athlete, I want this lifestyle. A life of discipline, strength, pushing yourself, reaching goals, setting new goals, finding my limits. I have always wanted to be athletic, but it was something that I had decided I would never be able to have so I stopped trying. It was dance, gymnastics, tennis, softball, swimming, skiing. All these sports I would just give up on. First to avoid failure and then it became as my weight increased "well I can't do it now."  I began to speak over myself the limitations.  So as I was running I saw all these times, and I realized that I was doing something that I had been saying I never would/ could ever do.

How many people ever get the chance to do the things they never thought they would do? Here I was this morning doing things I never thought possible.  I am different.  I am a different person. I have lost over 96 lbs, and I am that athlete.  I have become an athletic person.  I will treat my body the way it deserve to be treated. I will feed it what it needs. I will begin to realize that I am doing things I never thought I would be able to do because I can do them.

So for those of you, that might be like me and have things that you have said you will never do lets start doing them.  Find great people to surround you, find people who believe in you and go for it.  Because at first it is hard to believe in yourself, and you need to rely on others, but eventually you too will begin to see that you are doing things you never dreamed you would do.

Happy Thanksgiving to all of you.

Saturday's Run

Yesterday I was so tired I really wasn't sure I wanted to go out and run.  But then there was this desire that come over me to go.  I needed and wanted to go and run and just be out there.  So I headed off to Rockland State Park.  I decided to drive the outer loop which will be the first part of the race in a few weeks, just to see what it would look like.  Then I thought I would run the inner loop which is 3 miles.  I got out and stretched and began to realize just how cold it was.  I was not prepared. I had on my capri pants and a dri-fit running T-shirt! I warmed up and realized if I ran from this particular entrance it was measured. (Nice) I started my timer and started my run, and was about 20 steps in when I realized how cold this run was going to be! As I began running I just couldn't settle into my pace.

No idea if this happens to others but it takes any where from 1/2 a mile to 1 mile for me to settle into my pace and feel comfortable, but it wasn't happening I was just not settling in.  I kept thinking it was the cold and I kept thinking that maybe I should stop. I kept saying to myself all the reasons why I could stop, but this tiny little part of me just couldn't, and I was amazed at how well I was justifying my quitting.  My new running mantra has become.  "Will not Quit, I will Finish"

I am coming around a corner and there is a man with large St. Bernard standing there. He makes eye contact with me and says "just keep going, don't stop running, don't quit" Wow, talk about a perfectly placed word of encouragement. After I heard that I focused again and before I knew it I hit the one mile mark, i looked down at my watch and nearly fell.

I have been running just around a 12 min. mile. Which while in comparison to many isn't hot, but good things running is not about comparison but about 'my run'.  Looking down at my watch I saw 11:03!  No wonder I wasn't settling in, I was running fast than I ever had!  I walked a little and was surprised at how quickly I recovered.

I came to the next part of the trail which I had measured to be a mile the other day and the whole time leading up to it I just wanted to do the same mile time again or maybe even a little faster.  :)  I started running again but by this time after walking I was cold, my muscles were warm but my skin was cold. (wishing I had long sleeves at that point) I got about what I thought was half way and began to defeat myself again, but I refused.  I knew I would finish and whatever time my watch said would be great. I crossed the line at 11:00 flat!  I had no idea that this was in me.

What an amazing thing to watch my body begin to do things that I never thought it would do!  Pretty crazy.  All I can say is that I am really thankful for the amazing people in my life that encourage me, push me when I want to quit on myself, and run this journey alongside me. (some physically do run along side me  :)   )   I am thankful.

Running...still

Welcome to November!  I don't know about you but a snowstorm is not usually the way I like to say goodbye to October, but whatever works.

Things here at Nyack are going well.  The semester is now more than 1/2 through which means that I am more than 1/2 way through my last semester in Grad. School! Finally, it feels great.

I have still been running. I am now running about 3 miles a day usually 4 days a week then another mile or mile plus the other 2 days a week and taking a day off.  It feels great! I am loving learning that I can do more than I ever thought possible.  It has been a great learning experience. There is so many places I can go with this. I am excited.

New Chapters

Greetings from my chair. Today has been a crazy day and I thought there would be no better way to unpack it then to blog. It has been a while (a month actually) since I have blogged and figured now is a great time to do just that.

Since September things have really begun to accelerate. I thought I would update you all on a few areas, school, work, weight loss journey, and random musings

School

I realized that school is actually in session and this means I need to be doing homework, not just attending classes... (who knew).My classes are going well I have four more classes that I am currently taking until the completion of my Masters of Divinity. It is scary to me to begin to think about what comes next. I have enjoyed the past three years because I knew what was coming next. There would be another semester of classes that would lead me closer to this goal. Now here I stand about 40 school days till the end of my Masters program. If I am going to be honest (which I am ) I am terrified. I don't know how I will pay back my loans, I don't know how I will live, where I will be living, what I will be doing.

I go back and forth on this, some moments I am just fine. There is a large amount of trust and faith, and reliance on God to provide the means and I know that I have a large amount of time before I need to know any of these things. Then I realize that I am trusting and not in control (both of which are good) and I begin to worry and wonder why I am not concerned and I build up the concern in the mind and in my heart.

Job

The new job. I love it. I love that I am able and encourage to use my gifts and to operate in the way that I have been created and designed to do. I love the team of Ladies that I get to work with and help develop. I love having a great woman of God to work under. She pours herself out always for her team, and it is seen and appreciated.

Weight Loss Journey

I am sure that this is the category most of you will skip down to read. I mean most of you have been on this journey with me for almost 2 years now. I never would have thought that i would still be here still be struggling still be pressing on. I wish I had amazing news that I now weighed this amazing number and looked great and felt great. Instead I have a bit more of a realistic update. I am still down 89 lbs. Which is great! I am still aware of what I eat and am working out! However I am not sure that the amount of energy it takes to stay in a good place will ever lessen. It is amazing how my struggle with relating food in a good way is one that will always be there. Sometimes the battle is easily won, and sometimes it is lost.

There have been some amazing times where I have felt like wow, things are great then there are times, like this moment when I am struggling to process things and find myself eating a bowl of Mac and Cheese at 12:45 in the morning. :( It can be so hard to explain to others what this journey is like. This is one of those times that I find myself really relating to Paul. He talks in his letters about the times when he does the things he doesn't want to do and the things he wants to do he doesn't do. I know that eating mac and cheese isn't the best choice. I know that eating at 12:45 in the morning makes it a slightly more worse choice and yet I find myself doing it. So I ask myself "Why? Why are you doing this?" the answer.... I don't know.

Eating for me has always been about control, controlling my world, and controlling myself. I have several different thoughts that go through my mind. 1.) If I eat I won't feel this way 2.) If I eat then I might be happier 3.) Well I don't know what to do so I will eat 4.) I just might be able to disqualify myself if I keep eating . Usually one of these 4 are the keys to my eating. When I am winning the battle I am eating because my body is hungry and it deserves to be fed and fed well. When I am in a tougher spot I am eating because it is usually associated with one of the 4 reasons.

I have to interject a story before I continue. I just finished a 5k today I don't remember if that is at the top of my blog or not. I have been training with the new trainer (shout out to Sarah!!! Woo Hoo!) and I have a running partner who runs with me at least 3 days a week (Shout out to Wanda! Yay!) Since August we have been running and working towards this race and now here it was race day and I am terrified. Actually the night before I had a mild freak out. I was convinced that I would not be able to make it... even past the first hill.

But I did. and not only did I make it up that first hill but every hill after that, I ran the race, I didn't stop I didn't walk I just ran. Granted as I was starting the second lap people were finishing, but I am learning to tell myself it is ok because I ran my race. However I have found that running gives me a lot of time to think and I tend to get emotional, which leads to either expressing it or eating it. I could have finished first or last but neither would matter unless I left everything I had on that course. Which I did but it has left me with some new realizations.

As I was running my race I began to realize something about myself that was a common theme throughout everything that I have attempted to do. Let say that on a scale of 1 -10 I want to be a 10. But I know that I will actually only be able to be 6 so then I will stop myself when I reach 3, because for me it is easier to be a quitter. So I quit. I stop before I can fail, because I know that I will fail, so I would rather live in the control that I have quit, rather than the idea that I have failed.

So all of this is going through my head as I look back over the race and where I am at. It makes me sad to think that there were some great things that I started and it even begin to think what I might have been able to accomplish if instead of quitting I had actually stuck with it and pushed on, not fearing failure.

SO the journey continues we are now into a new chapter, this weekend held some more big barriers that I broke. Coming to the realization that I have always quit and no longer want to quit was one of the biggest ones. So now I need to begin to really not allow myself to quit, to not give up on me.

So there the update. Thanks for staying in touch with me and my life. :)

New Chapters

Hey everyone, I know it has been a really long time since I have written, for that I apologize but things have taken some crazy turns.

I saw a picture I took took and for the first time I feel like I really saw changes. I know it seems silly, because who after losing 85 lbs wouldn't look different but that is part of it you see.

There is more to it than just the losing weight it is relearning all about myself, the way I respond and react, and the way

I see myself.

The changes have brought about some great new discoveries. One of them is that of my 'style'. I have often looked at people and said wow I admire their style, but I hadn't really found my own. Now I think I am starting to discover my own, and I really like it. :)

I have decided it is time for a little photo journey... so here we go.

Spring of 2010:

August of 2010:

October 2010:

May 2011:

June 2011:

September 2011:

It has been weird to look over this progression myself. What a crazy journey. Now a new chapter begins. I have chosen to work with a new trainer. Sarah, actually. She is a great person, she has a passion for fitness and health and is going to be working with me three days a week! So much to look forward to. It has been weird thinking of adding another person to this journey but I am sure that God has great things in store.

While bringing someone into this journey is scary, it opens you up to the old fears of rejection, fear of failure and performance driven issues it is time to open up. Just as my weight loss has been a journey, learning to live a life that is open and vulnerable has been a journey as well. I recently asked myself, why is it that I work with a trainer. The answer: Sometimes I need someone in my corner reminding me of the goals I have and helping me to see that I have what it takes inside of me I just need some help pulling it out.

My trainer helps me do that, they push, they encourage, they keep me focused on my goals and remind me that greater things are within my reach.

So my question to you: Whose your trainer? Who in your life pushes you, inspires you, encourages you and reminds you that greater things are within your reach?

We have journeyed together for a year and half now. (a little more actually) You have seen my good times , heard about the rough patches and watched me almost give up a few times, but life change doesn't happen overnight and I am in for the long haul. So here's to a new chapter. Welcome to the journey Sarah! I am so excited you are coming along.

Summer Reflections

Entitlement.

I know that I am not a word smith in fact I am pretty horrible with my grammar as most of you realize if you read my blog at all. Someday maybe I will have the time to learn more about grammar, but for now I get by. When I look at this word ENTITLEMENT I see three parts of this word. En title and ment. Ment- to me is something like a state of being, Title refers to identity, or expectations and the En- to me usually deals with more than one person, the relationship between people (ie encouragement, entrust, engage etc... they take multiple people) So when I put these words together I get a definition of your state of being or identity, you expectations , how you currently are acting while engaging with other people.

This evening I was chatting and doing some journalling and I was dwelling on the word entitled. Asking myself if I feel I am entitled to things. For me there is not any single good association with the word entitled. I think when we become entitled is when we lose our sense of gratitude. We begin to expect things from people and the world around us and forget to stop being thankful. It is when our thoughts, actions, and attitudes turn sour.

So you must be wondering how this relates to my journey. Well I think recently I have been walking around entitled. I was feeling like things should be going a certain way for me and they weren't. I am not where I thought I would be emotionally, spiritually or physically at this point. And I feel like I deserve more. Wow! Look at all those times I said feel.

So quick update. . . I have been working at Nyack this summer with a summer warm up program, so I have moved out of my apartment. I am finishing up my internship with my church, so I am trying to transition out and decide what to do about worship. I am launching a debuting something I have never done before, the VBS I wrote. I am living in temporary housing and lets just say things in my life are a little hectic. Although we did have a wonderful addition to our family, my beautiful niece was born in early July. There is just a lot going on.

So I have also joined a new gym. Trying to find a new trainer and make some decisions.

Weight wise and food relation wise, things have been great until the last 3-4 weeks. I am still watching what I am taking in but now I am in a new setting. Just when things are getting settled and I had reached my goal. I crept back up a little. What do you expect, I am now eating in a dining hall again. I have a crazy schedule and to be honest, I haven't been eating enough so I think I have slowed things down myself. I have been so nervous I just haven't been hungry or I have been working and have just forgotten to take the time. It frustrates me because these are old default, but it just goes to show that when we are stressed and under pressure it is easy to slip back into our defaults.

So where do we go from here....

First step for me was blogging again. (Thanks Cousin Betsy!) Being honest with myself and my friends that I have gain a few pounds... and yes it is just a few... but it is time to re-evaluate. What is it that I want? Why am I doing this? Both great questions that I just don't have the answers to.. yet.

Transition bring out in me all my entitlement stuff... it is during this time of my life that I am realizing just how much I have taken for granted and felt like I deserve. I have much to be thankful for.... I think we all do.

Second step.. Allow the transition to be ok . It is ok to feel displaced and some of the other stuff I am feeling I just need to acknowledge it and identify it for what it is, and then allow it to be handled properly, which might include some grieving. :( All of which will be good in the end.

Third : remember my priorities. About 8months ago I agreed that my health spiritual, emotional and physical were my top priorities. I need to make sure they stay that way.

So for now, I am off to sleep.

Such a Slacker

I first apologize to you those that have wondered if I have fallen off the face of the earth or if I was just ignoring you. Things have been amazing. I have had some amazing changes in my life and am in such a great place.

First this past semester was probably one of my toughest with hard courses and God doing great things in my life. During this semester I was challenged intellectually, emotionally, spiritually, physically and at times was was certain psychologically.

This semester I completed my first 5K! It was awesome. This was a goal that I had set and was not sure I would ever see it completed. But I did it. With training plans created by my fav Janice! and then reinforced and supported by Kevin. With the help of family and friends I raised money to save the penguins and then on run day I had Shelly and Mandi (my new friend! yay Mandi) to share the sweetness of the day with. The run was a fundraiser to help raise money for the penguins, and it was awesome. I had trained to complete the run in 47 minutes I wasn't sure how I would do. I knew I could complete the run, but I was certain I would walk more than I ran and that who knows how long it would take. In actuality I was able to complete the run in 37 minutes, and ran a really good majority of it. The next one in october! This time we are running on Coney Island to the Aquarium. (Maybe you should join us!)

This was a huge victory! To have set this goal and then to finally be able to meet it and see it finished was amazing. I never would have thought I would be at a level of physically fitness to be able to complete this. How awesome!

This semester I had the privilege of working with two different classes both that I think impacted my life in huge ways, and ways I am still understanding. One was called Personal Spiritual Formation and the other was Developing a Women's Gifts and Callings. Both of these classes helped to enlighten me about lies I had believed about myself and the reason why I do the things I do. They both affirmed for me that I have been chosen and gifted uniquely and both of these classes help to show me the amazing group of people that are in my life. Through both these classes I met some amazing women and men, all of whom I am so glad have come into my life. I am a girl with great favor on her life. It is amazing. That is one thing that I am taking away from these two classes, that I am called to be just who I am and there are some amazing people in my community around me. People that care for me and want to see me thrive. What a great blessing.

This semester, I also had the privileged of journeying further on the road of development. The newly vested (not sure that is the right word) Dr! Amy Davis wrote a thesis about rites of passage for evangelical women. What a great thing! Then put her dissertation into practice but inviting myself and 9 other women to journey through a passage to help us transition from Girlhood to womanhood. For many women in the past this transition was marked by marriage and creating a family but for some of us those things haven't happened, yet we are women and we need to understand that about ourselves. This journey was a great capstone piece to me. It has changed the way I view myself, the way I present myself, how I talk and act, and also the way I interact with the women in my life around me. It was an amazing journey and this spring it culminated in a formal ceremony with tea and desserts. Check out my facebook page for some pictures .

I am now currently about 18 lbs from my first goal. I can't believe it! Yes I am still loosing weight and working on life change although it seems so much in my life has been changing.

I have found that my struggle with eating will always be a part of my life. I think it is that way for most of us, but the question I have been asking is do I want this to remain my identity. I have taken on the idea that I will always be the heavy girl. But that isn't truth. In fact I have made some great changes. It is hard. There is no magic pill. Nothing that just makes it melt away. in fact , in reality it is one of the hardest if not the hardest thing I have ever done.

You see, when you are addicted to other things you can keep them out of your life. Never go near them again, but with food you will always have to be around it.

So life change is what is necessary. You need to change the way you think, feel, act, and respond to food and your life. It has been hard. It has meant doing things completely differently then the way i would initially react and do them. My current goal, to loose the last 18 lbs. and then to maintain that weight for 6months. TO find out if life change has really begun to sink in. Then evaluate do I want/need to loose more. I want to see if in the maintaining I can just do life. Live it not have it be the forefront of my focus. Have I changed my lifestyle enough to allow for my focus to be on life and not mainly my weight, or physicality. I want to know if it has become me. Not just a program or plan, if it is life not just something I am doing.

I am so excited to see what the next step is especially since I am turning 30! In just a little over a month! I can't wait. Stay tuned for more updates now that I am out of school updates should be more regular.

Frustrated

So I think I told you all about my little excitement with nearly passing out in the gym. If I haven't some one please let me know and I will catch you all up to speed.

Since then I have gotten a body bug just like the ones that they get on the biggest loser. It is a great thing and so exciting it is really giving me some great feedback and helping me to see just what it is my body is doing. One of the first things that it has revealed to me is that I am burning just over 3,000 calories a day. I was only taking in under 1,500. We believe this was the reason that I almost passed out at the gym.

Since then my trainer (Kevin) (the new one) had me on very light workouts while we tried to figure this all out. Once we saw what I was burning vs. what I was consuming he said (politely) That he would like to see me eating at least 2,000 calories a day. Since I am running almost non stop it would help me with energy focus and weight loss.

Honestly I struggle so much with this idea. How can consuming more help you to lose weight? Right. Well I understand the physical side of it. If you don't feed your body enough it will not process what you do feed it but it will store it up, thus keeping on the weight. So I started eating 2,000 calories a day. Then last thursday I went to Jenny and weighed in and I had gained the second week in a row. (ARGH! so frustrating)

Then the lies started running in my head. "This is how you will always be" "You won't change this" "You will always be fat" Now don't get me wrong I know they are all lies but they tug at the heart. So I turn them down I don't allow them to stay, but they still hurt because for a minute they nick my soul .

Then I was away this weekend, and I just saw pictures. It is amazing how a picture really can convey a thousand words. I know that I have no idea what my body looks like but when i saw these pictures go up I was so deflated. Don't get me wrong they are great pictures. (thanks dale) But I just feel like I look exactly the same. So why am I putting in all this effort.

You see I know that I am running again finally now that I have my energy back and I am sweating again. (Both good things) But I still feel like I am that fat girls. Now God, had recently done some great things in this area of my life to show me that the identity of fat girl is no longer who I am, but I still feel like fat girl, and I am reminded by these photos just how far it is that I have to go.

So that brings me closer to the end of this tirade. I am frustrated because I see that I have so much farther to go, and yet now I am eating more calories then before. I just don't see how this is going to work out. Plus it is frustrating to be doing all this work and not seeing any results. I know I shouldn't be doing it for the results, but it is hard to press on.

Sorry all you are getting this post in a time of depleting encouragement.

Continued Update

So during my last blog I told you about the change in my team.

I also want to be honest and share with you where I am at. You see most of you know I am a christian, my faith, and my belief in God is the root of who I am, and I desire to make sure that what I do flows from this as well. So you see God has been doing great things in my life. He has been helping me to come to understand that I have heard lies about myself that I have taken on and begun to believe.

God has just been doing great things but it leaves me feeling raw and in a place where I am not in control, which is different for me. I feel vulnerable, it is requiring me to rely on others.

I have found that in times of crisis or pain I tend to revert to what I know, food. However this time around in the midst of this I will not revert to stuffing down my feelings or hiding them. This time I am going to not just deal with them but embrace them.

However this past weekend probably posed one of the biggest challenges for me. You see the goal for the year was to put my self care first then order my life around it. So my relationship with God, and my eating, and working out were to be planned first. Then I was to schedule the rest of my days around that. But the past two weeks things have just been out of control. I mean I have gotten busy and haven't been sleeping well, maybe doing to much. ?

So Saturday I went to the gym, and I had slept in late and only grabbed a protein bar which I didn't eat far enough in advance. And thankfully I was training with Kevin, the new trainer. He was awesome saw the changes before I knew they were happening and totally stepped in and kept me on this side of passing out. Once I was on the ground and my vision and hearing began to come back we took the steps necessary to get me back on the healing road.

For the next two days I laid low and tried to begin to understand what had happened, and what to do with the central nervous system as it rebooted itself.

Then on Monday my dad was put into the hospital, and then Tuesday morning we found out my Grandmother had died. This has been hard. I was in the trend of not putting a focus on my self care and now was drastically made aware that I needed to refocus. Yet with the grief I just don't feel like eating. It kind of makes me nauseous. However; I know that I need to eat. Eating is something that I need to do to focus on my self care, and making sure that I am in the best place possible to serve and honor the Lord.

You see when I am focused on other things, my life begins to feel out of control, and crazy. With God already doing things that make me feel a little raw it is really necessary to make sure that I am taking care of me.

So, tomorrow we return. It is time to find my focus on my self care and once again focus on what it is that needs to be done so that I can be at my most effective for the work and role I am called to in the Kingdom.

Will this change how I feel? No, but it will allow me to have a clearer head to embrace and process what I am feeling. That will help. Knowing that I am hearing from God, and that I am in a right mind allows me to focus and allow God to have the access to help me process what ever is necessary.

Latest in life

Dear Blogging friends;

It is time that I share with you some things that have been happening in my life.

1.) My Team has changed. :( One of the most important things that has come with my life change is the creation of a team of people who surround me and help me stay focused on what I need to be doing. When you are trying to do life change it is important to remember that you are undoing x number of years of learned behavior. You can't do it on your own. That was lesson one. At least for me it helped me to stay focused. When things would get out of control, when I want to give up when I am sure that I just will never be any different, that is when my teams steps in. They become my cheerleaders, my pushers (keeping me going), my teachers (helping me to know just what I am capable of) I need them. So do you. Whether you are making huge life changes or just looking to travel on the journey of life we need people around us, it makes us better when we let people in.

So with my trainer leaving (miss you Janice) I had to find another trainer. It was hard to adjust to the idea that the team was changing. I freaked momentarily and then was reminded that a. 2/3 of team was still the same and b. that they hadn't done the work for me, I had done the hard work, they were vital but if I could do it before I can do it again. That just because things were changing doesn't mean that I would fail or loose all the stuff I had accomplished.

More to come ... stay tuned.

Where have all the postings gone?

What !? When did it become the end of January. Well at least I am able to get one more blog in before the first month of Twenty Eleven. This new year starts off on a good foot, I am down with only about 35 lbs left to go in my weight loss. I am feeling great, getting used to new clothing; but more than all that I have begun to see that I am a person of worth.

I know for some of you, you think of course isn't everyone. However while it is true and many people will stand next to you and tell you of the worth they see in your, they struggle to see it in themselves.

If I have learned one thing over the past year it has been that unless I am looking at and addressing what is on the inside any change I go to make will only be temporary. Wow as I read that it seems so... new agish. When I speak of looking at the inside for me it has meant learning to live in the present, learning to live a life that is not numbed by food, but is actually lived. It has meant learning to know that my worth is not in what I do, or what I could do but my worth is in who I am.

I have struggled in the past few weeks. I have learned enough about eating and what I can eat to be able to eat off my strict program and still see a weight loss. This is a good thing! However then I need to readjust my expectations because losing only 1/2 a pound a week just is incredibly frustrating. So the choice becomes mine, do I continue to eat off my program and lose 1/2 a pound a week or do I find the discipline to get back on program and eat what I should. Oh the choices. I guess I will have to make them moment by moment.

Welcome 2011

Well the new year is here and I am still on the journey. Boy I was hoping that I wouldn't be. I am disappointed to say the least. I had big hopes that by today I would be a brand new skinny me. I would be at my goal and my life would be totally different. I am just being honest. My expectation was that this year, by January of 2011 I would have a handle on my eating addiction. That I would be in my own eyes skinny and that I would be in this euphoric state of happiness.

Guess what. I am not, not really any of those things, but I am ok.

I may not be 'skinny' but I am skinnier. I have lost weight and I am not the same size nor the same person I was.

I may not have my cravings and desires for food under control, but I am a more conscientious eater. I am working on my relationship with food, and removing the power it has had over my life. I am learning that using food can longer be used to stuff down my emotions or other things. I am learning that food is simply for nourishment, it doesn't need to be used for anything else.

And while I am not in some fake euphoric state of happiness. I am happy, God is doing great things in my life, showing me things that He wants to address, I am willing to see change in my life and that is what makes me happy.

You see the number on the scale, or the size of the clothing never determines, makes or creates your happiness. I am finding that happiness for me comes from learning to be authentic. From reveling in the mysteries of who I am and who I am created to be. That is what makes me happy.

Do not get me wrong there is something fun about watching me shrink out of clothes, and watching the numbers on the scale fall (even it is slowly) but at times those things are more frightening then they are exciting. Instead... It is about learning to just sit in the midst of life, to be present, and fully participating in life.

So here we are, starting another new year, and the journey continues. I am in. What are you hoping to see different 365 days from now, dream big... but remember sometimes what we hope to see happen just isn't what is in the plans.