So lets just admit what is obvious. I am a horrible friend communicator. I have been so blessed over the years to have been given amazing people in my life. I love them deeply, many of them have been with me for some really really major events in my life. Yet why do I find it so hard to stay in touch. Even today when things such as facebook and email make life so much easier to share, I still struggle.
So to my dear friends that I haven't spoken to more than a few weeks. I miss you. I miss sharing life with you, I am hoping that you will forgive me, and help me. I try hard but I just get so involved in the moment. Please know that I think about you often, and pray for you when you come to mind. I am sorry I am such a tough person to be friends with.
I saw Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close today. It was a real tear jerker. I don't know if the events of 9/11 will ever be less painful for me, or anyone else, I am sure time will remove some of the sting, but watching a family go through it and watching a little boy struggle to make sense of it was so moving. It made me think of the people that I love that aren't near me. In the movie the little boy wishes he could have spoken to his dad and it made me realize that i need to learn to be better about this communicating thing. It is hard but it is so necessary you are in my life for a reason.
I know my family was really blessed during the events of 9/11, while my father was there, he witnessed so much he survived. I can't imagine what life would be like right now if I had lost my father that day. So it made me realize just how special people are to me.
I am gonna try... gonna try to continue to reach out because I really do miss you.
Monday, January 23, 2012
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Making a difference
dis·tin·guished
[dih-sting-gwisht]
Show IPAadjective
1.
made conspicuous by excellence; noted; eminent; famous:a distinguished scholar.
2.
3.
conspicuous; marked.
So I was thinking today that I want to do something that distinguishes me. I am not sure how this relates to living a servants life, but I want to do something that changes the world. Inspires people, something that I feel is making a difference in the world.
Today I have felt just really average. Don't get me wrong, average is supposed to be good, but for me I just get frustrated with it. I don't want to be average, but i feel sometimes I lack what it takes to be and do something that impacts the world.
I was thinking today as I avoided my workout, that I wish that there was something that I was amazing at. I mean I know I can do a lot of things but what would it be like to be really really good at one thing. To have an idea of what it is that you were supposed to do. I see others around me and it is so easy to see how they have been designed to stand out. They are athletic, they have amazing administrative skills, they can change a room, they are artistic, they can sing, they can do all these different things, and I am in awe. Then I look at me, and I look at all these things that I have experienced, tried, but I never seem to really get good at.
My parent have always said I have had phases in life. I become passionate about something and then I drop it. Out of no where I just put it down and walk away. Why? Is it driven by fear? Is it because I am supposed to just be average? There is a saying "Jack of all trades but Master of none." That's me, I can pick up something and try it. I might even get proficient at it but then it never develops further. Something I drop because I get frustrated, sometimes I just stay where I am at, and dream and watch others get better and better.
I wonder sometimes what it is in others that makes them distinguished, that makes them a champion. Is it something that is learned, earned, grown, chosen, or is something that you just either have or don't.
Some people tell me it is about knowing why you are doing it. Maybe wanting to do it to inspire or change the world isn't enough. Maybe I will just be average. There is nothing really wrong with being average. But somehow I can't stop desiring to be distinguished, to make a difference.
Is it that I need to learn humility? That I need to under that just being here is enough, just going through life, but that is so unsatisfying. I want more. I want to do more and be more.
So... how do I make this desire a reality. Especially on days when I barely want to workout. I go I workout but today was half hearted, and that I know won't help me. Is it wrong to want to see results. How else do you stay motivated? People can't cheer lead you all the way, you need to find your own motivation, at least this is what is true for me. But when you don't see progress...how do you stay motivated?
I am not sure why today my thoughts changed towards this. I have been lingering around this idea for a few weeks, and today I just really haven't been able to get this out of my mind. What should I be doing differently? What do I need to change? Why isn't it working out for me?
I am not in a bad place really, but a place of questioning. I guess that is what happens every once and a while. I am trying to figure out some goals, spiritually, physically and professionally. Whenever I try to figure some things out I begin to question, and look inside. Yet am often met with more questions.
Not sure how to go about answering these questions or beginning to define what distinguished me, or what I have to contribute that will change the world. Not sure when it will happen, but I want it to because while average is ok, I am hungry for something more. I guess I just need to decide how hungry I am for it.
Friday, January 6, 2012
My Past Coming Into Play
2012! What! How did this happen, I took a little time tonight and read back over a few of my blogs from the beginning. I can not believe this journey has been for 2 years. Back in 2010 when I first started blogging I was hoping to loose 80 -100 lbs in that year. Well it didn't happen, but now we are 97 lbs down! And closer than ever to the goal, however I have extended it, and am looking to loose the last 25 lbs.
This will require more focus and attention to my eating and workouts than I have put forth in a while. I have been very cautious to choose workout routines and eating schedules in which a lot was pre-done for me. I haven't really been pushing myself in the past 2 years with my workouts I was doing was I could, but not really pushing hard, and with my diet I have done programs that gave me my food and was just very relaxed about what I was eating. Well I am done with this half focused journey.
But before I could stop this half hearted journey I needed to look at why I had chosen this path over the last two years. It didn't take long for me to realize that I have been playing it safe, I have been living slightly fearful. I had a great conversation with my mom this past weekend and we talked about my struggles in the past with my ED. We talked about that this will really be the first time in 10 years since I have been in recovery that I have had this intense of a focus on my diet and exercise. But the difference is I am ready. I am in the best place I have ever been emotionally, spiritually, and psychologically. I have great friends around me, I am a part of a strong community, and I am more aware than ever before. Yet even with all this I know it is important to make a point to bring those who are closest to me in on my plans. So here we go, we have 5 months and 25 lbs. Time to be focused and disciplined to reach the goal, and do it in a way that is healthy, safe, fun, and long lasting. The past will remain in the past, and the future hold new things for me.
Today I was also asked a really interesting question. I was in the car with a friend and we were talking and I mentioned music and what I had done in my past with music and she asked, "So why did you stop?" I had no answer for her. Why did I stop, I put my music stuff away once I finished my required classes in college and just walked away. What did I walk away from? Why had I done what I did? and, Why did I stop doing it?
Today and this week has definitely been a week of thinking back over the past, and wondering what the future holds for me.
This will require more focus and attention to my eating and workouts than I have put forth in a while. I have been very cautious to choose workout routines and eating schedules in which a lot was pre-done for me. I haven't really been pushing myself in the past 2 years with my workouts I was doing was I could, but not really pushing hard, and with my diet I have done programs that gave me my food and was just very relaxed about what I was eating. Well I am done with this half focused journey.
But before I could stop this half hearted journey I needed to look at why I had chosen this path over the last two years. It didn't take long for me to realize that I have been playing it safe, I have been living slightly fearful. I had a great conversation with my mom this past weekend and we talked about my struggles in the past with my ED. We talked about that this will really be the first time in 10 years since I have been in recovery that I have had this intense of a focus on my diet and exercise. But the difference is I am ready. I am in the best place I have ever been emotionally, spiritually, and psychologically. I have great friends around me, I am a part of a strong community, and I am more aware than ever before. Yet even with all this I know it is important to make a point to bring those who are closest to me in on my plans. So here we go, we have 5 months and 25 lbs. Time to be focused and disciplined to reach the goal, and do it in a way that is healthy, safe, fun, and long lasting. The past will remain in the past, and the future hold new things for me.
Today I was also asked a really interesting question. I was in the car with a friend and we were talking and I mentioned music and what I had done in my past with music and she asked, "So why did you stop?" I had no answer for her. Why did I stop, I put my music stuff away once I finished my required classes in college and just walked away. What did I walk away from? Why had I done what I did? and, Why did I stop doing it?
Today and this week has definitely been a week of thinking back over the past, and wondering what the future holds for me.
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
It is finished!
It is finished. I have completed my final semester in my Masters of Divinity program at Alliance Theological Seminary. Now what? Three and half years I have been working toward this and now it is over, just like that. What do I do? Why did I run this race?
The past weeks have been some of the toughest weeks in this journey, leaving me in tears, and ready to give up. That would have been what the old Sarah did, but now this new Sarah, reached out to family and friends and asked them to help. To come along side me and help me through, I took advice, and allowed others to let me fall apart. At one point I was at a friends house and she was speaking to her children and said "ok, put the electronics away, middle of the table." I looked at the phone in my hand and put it in the middle of the table, then i realized I didn't need to do everything others were telling me.
I hit a new low point with my diet and exercise. I was at the gym working out and did an exercise station that was directly in front of the mirror, and the lies came full force. I had nothing left to fight them so I gave in. I was done, I wanted nothing more to do with this journey with trying so hard, after all when I was stuck staring at myself in that mirror I didn't see any change. Nothing was ever going to change to why keep going. (at least that is what I was believing)
I gave myself 5 working days to feel this way, it started Monday and I determined that by Friday I would pull myself out of this funk. However it was thursday night when things started to come around. I talked to my running buddies and asked them to go above and beyond to make sure that ran friday morning. Even if it meant coming and pulling me out of my bed to do it. They didn't need to, I got up and headed out, and things began to turn the corner. I met all my dead lines and it is done.
Things were going well I was turning around, I had finished school writing over 60 pages in the last few weeks, I had started running again. Then it happened....
What started as what seemed like an innocent toe cramp, has become such a frustrating thing. Ok, I know I am not a marathon runner, I know I am not a professional athlete, but I am woman who has goals and things she desires. and this toe is really starting to bother me. So on a monday I had this toe cramp, it was fine enough to run tuesday, wednesday, thursday, I took friday off and tried to run on Saturday.. and I was about 1 mile in and was in so much pain I couldn't run so I had to walk, back home. Then Sunday I was going to run, but just standing and walking hurt. Talked with some amazing people, (the great trainer, Sarah Sauer and Associates) and decided that it was time to ice the foot. I iced it for the first time Sunday night, then it was great! Yay! So I ran on it Monday just a little run 3 miles, then trained, a great session, then I was sure to ice my foot again Monday night.
Tuesday I woke up and it was a little painful probably a 2 on a scale of 1 - 10 but as the morning went on it steadily climbed, so no run and minimal training (strength). So tonight the toe got a double bath... (torture) and it better be feeling better tomorrow. After a healthy dose of Ankle ABC's and some toe training.. (hehehe) it got a great rub and is tucked away ready for bed.
But talk about frustrating. This toe is so small yet produces a great amount of pain, but isn't it usually the case. It wasn't the 3.5 years that were the hardest it was the last 2 weeks that created the hardest amount of pain. Yes there is nothing that you can do about it, but trust others, and allow them to help you during this time.
So that is where it is ...
The past weeks have been some of the toughest weeks in this journey, leaving me in tears, and ready to give up. That would have been what the old Sarah did, but now this new Sarah, reached out to family and friends and asked them to help. To come along side me and help me through, I took advice, and allowed others to let me fall apart. At one point I was at a friends house and she was speaking to her children and said "ok, put the electronics away, middle of the table." I looked at the phone in my hand and put it in the middle of the table, then i realized I didn't need to do everything others were telling me.
I hit a new low point with my diet and exercise. I was at the gym working out and did an exercise station that was directly in front of the mirror, and the lies came full force. I had nothing left to fight them so I gave in. I was done, I wanted nothing more to do with this journey with trying so hard, after all when I was stuck staring at myself in that mirror I didn't see any change. Nothing was ever going to change to why keep going. (at least that is what I was believing)
I gave myself 5 working days to feel this way, it started Monday and I determined that by Friday I would pull myself out of this funk. However it was thursday night when things started to come around. I talked to my running buddies and asked them to go above and beyond to make sure that ran friday morning. Even if it meant coming and pulling me out of my bed to do it. They didn't need to, I got up and headed out, and things began to turn the corner. I met all my dead lines and it is done.
Things were going well I was turning around, I had finished school writing over 60 pages in the last few weeks, I had started running again. Then it happened....
What started as what seemed like an innocent toe cramp, has become such a frustrating thing. Ok, I know I am not a marathon runner, I know I am not a professional athlete, but I am woman who has goals and things she desires. and this toe is really starting to bother me. So on a monday I had this toe cramp, it was fine enough to run tuesday, wednesday, thursday, I took friday off and tried to run on Saturday.. and I was about 1 mile in and was in so much pain I couldn't run so I had to walk, back home. Then Sunday I was going to run, but just standing and walking hurt. Talked with some amazing people, (the great trainer, Sarah Sauer and Associates) and decided that it was time to ice the foot. I iced it for the first time Sunday night, then it was great! Yay! So I ran on it Monday just a little run 3 miles, then trained, a great session, then I was sure to ice my foot again Monday night.
Tuesday I woke up and it was a little painful probably a 2 on a scale of 1 - 10 but as the morning went on it steadily climbed, so no run and minimal training (strength). So tonight the toe got a double bath... (torture) and it better be feeling better tomorrow. After a healthy dose of Ankle ABC's and some toe training.. (hehehe) it got a great rub and is tucked away ready for bed.
But talk about frustrating. This toe is so small yet produces a great amount of pain, but isn't it usually the case. It wasn't the 3.5 years that were the hardest it was the last 2 weeks that created the hardest amount of pain. Yes there is nothing that you can do about it, but trust others, and allow them to help you during this time.
So that is where it is ...
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Thinking over Turkey
Happy Thanksgiving Friends. It is hard to believe that I have been blogging now for 2 years. What a crazy thought.Yes some years have been more fruitful in terms of the number of blogs, but either way I still enjoy coming back here keep those of you who read up to date.
I have had lots of time recently to do some thinking. For those of you that remember in October I ran my second 5k race the Nyack Homecoming Fun Run. This was one of the hardest things I have ever done. Around mile 2 I was ready to quit. I saw no need to finish I was in last place and I was exhausted and mentally I was defeated, but I had some amazing people come around me and I did finish! I learn a lot about myself in that race one of the things that I learned the most was how often in life I had given up on myself. The dreams that I had I would just stop pursuing because I was so afraid of failing that I would stop way short of any goals, because it was easier in my mind if I quit than if I fail. I have a feeling some of you can understand this mind set.
Well since that race in October I have committed myself to training and treating my body like the athlete I want it perform like. (Somedays have been better treatment days than other) But in all cases I committed to running this 5 mile race on thanksgiving day. I worked with an amazing trainer, and ran with some amazing friends, just about 6 days a week since then. I knew I wouldn't be super fast, in comparison to others, but I hoped I would finish.
Leading up to race day my friends were some of the most gracious people I have ever encountered. I was so nervous. I would spend time trying to visual me finishing the race and feeling strong, but each time I tried I would defeat myself. I would give up. During my training runs I stuck by the motto "will not quit, I will finish" (totally stolen from a friend , thanks Sarah) But it fit my life. This was something I was not willing to quit on myself over. I was going to finish.
We had done the right training we had even done a 6 mile run during our training so it wasn't like I could do the distance. The only thing that would stop me from completing this race would be injury or my own mental defeat. It was 5 miles with over 3,000 people. What was I thinking.
Well to jump right to the end I finished the race. (yay!) and I kept my pace time and completed in my goal time. So the race ended well, but running a 5 mile race gives you time to think, lots of time in my case to think.
So I began to have pictures of all these times in my life when I had spoken the words "oh, I could never do that." or "That would never happen for me." or "yeah, well that is just not what I do." All these things I had spoken over my life. What was I thinking?
I have always had a dream of being an athlete, I want this lifestyle. A life of discipline, strength, pushing yourself, reaching goals, setting new goals, finding my limits. I have always wanted to be athletic, but it was something that I had decided I would never be able to have so I stopped trying. It was dance, gymnastics, tennis, softball, swimming, skiing. All these sports I would just give up on. First to avoid failure and then it became as my weight increased "well I can't do it now." I began to speak over myself the limitations. So as I was running I saw all these times, and I realized that I was doing something that I had been saying I never would/ could ever do.
How many people ever get the chance to do the things they never thought they would do? Here I was this morning doing things I never thought possible. I am different. I am a different person. I have lost over 96 lbs, and I am that athlete. I have become an athletic person. I will treat my body the way it deserve to be treated. I will feed it what it needs. I will begin to realize that I am doing things I never thought I would be able to do because I can do them.
So for those of you, that might be like me and have things that you have said you will never do lets start doing them. Find great people to surround you, find people who believe in you and go for it. Because at first it is hard to believe in yourself, and you need to rely on others, but eventually you too will begin to see that you are doing things you never dreamed you would do.
Happy Thanksgiving to all of you.
I have had lots of time recently to do some thinking. For those of you that remember in October I ran my second 5k race the Nyack Homecoming Fun Run. This was one of the hardest things I have ever done. Around mile 2 I was ready to quit. I saw no need to finish I was in last place and I was exhausted and mentally I was defeated, but I had some amazing people come around me and I did finish! I learn a lot about myself in that race one of the things that I learned the most was how often in life I had given up on myself. The dreams that I had I would just stop pursuing because I was so afraid of failing that I would stop way short of any goals, because it was easier in my mind if I quit than if I fail. I have a feeling some of you can understand this mind set.
Well since that race in October I have committed myself to training and treating my body like the athlete I want it perform like. (Somedays have been better treatment days than other) But in all cases I committed to running this 5 mile race on thanksgiving day. I worked with an amazing trainer, and ran with some amazing friends, just about 6 days a week since then. I knew I wouldn't be super fast, in comparison to others, but I hoped I would finish.
Leading up to race day my friends were some of the most gracious people I have ever encountered. I was so nervous. I would spend time trying to visual me finishing the race and feeling strong, but each time I tried I would defeat myself. I would give up. During my training runs I stuck by the motto "will not quit, I will finish" (totally stolen from a friend , thanks Sarah) But it fit my life. This was something I was not willing to quit on myself over. I was going to finish.
We had done the right training we had even done a 6 mile run during our training so it wasn't like I could do the distance. The only thing that would stop me from completing this race would be injury or my own mental defeat. It was 5 miles with over 3,000 people. What was I thinking.
Well to jump right to the end I finished the race. (yay!) and I kept my pace time and completed in my goal time. So the race ended well, but running a 5 mile race gives you time to think, lots of time in my case to think.
So I began to have pictures of all these times in my life when I had spoken the words "oh, I could never do that." or "That would never happen for me." or "yeah, well that is just not what I do." All these things I had spoken over my life. What was I thinking?
I have always had a dream of being an athlete, I want this lifestyle. A life of discipline, strength, pushing yourself, reaching goals, setting new goals, finding my limits. I have always wanted to be athletic, but it was something that I had decided I would never be able to have so I stopped trying. It was dance, gymnastics, tennis, softball, swimming, skiing. All these sports I would just give up on. First to avoid failure and then it became as my weight increased "well I can't do it now." I began to speak over myself the limitations. So as I was running I saw all these times, and I realized that I was doing something that I had been saying I never would/ could ever do.
How many people ever get the chance to do the things they never thought they would do? Here I was this morning doing things I never thought possible. I am different. I am a different person. I have lost over 96 lbs, and I am that athlete. I have become an athletic person. I will treat my body the way it deserve to be treated. I will feed it what it needs. I will begin to realize that I am doing things I never thought I would be able to do because I can do them.
So for those of you, that might be like me and have things that you have said you will never do lets start doing them. Find great people to surround you, find people who believe in you and go for it. Because at first it is hard to believe in yourself, and you need to rely on others, but eventually you too will begin to see that you are doing things you never dreamed you would do.
Happy Thanksgiving to all of you.
Sunday, November 6, 2011
Saturday's Run
Yesterday I was so tired I really wasn't sure I wanted to go out and run. But then there was this desire that come over me to go. I needed and wanted to go and run and just be out there. So I headed off to Rockland State Park. I decided to drive the outer loop which will be the first part of the race in a few weeks, just to see what it would look like. Then I thought I would run the inner loop which is 3 miles. I got out and stretched and began to realize just how cold it was. I was not prepared. I had on my capri pants and a dri-fit running T-shirt! I warmed up and realized if I ran from this particular entrance it was measured. (Nice) I started my timer and started my run, and was about 20 steps in when I realized how cold this run was going to be! As I began running I just couldn't settle into my pace.
No idea if this happens to others but it takes any where from 1/2 a mile to 1 mile for me to settle into my pace and feel comfortable, but it wasn't happening I was just not settling in. I kept thinking it was the cold and I kept thinking that maybe I should stop. I kept saying to myself all the reasons why I could stop, but this tiny little part of me just couldn't, and I was amazed at how well I was justifying my quitting. My new running mantra has become. "Will not Quit, I will Finish"
I am coming around a corner and there is a man with large St. Bernard standing there. He makes eye contact with me and says "just keep going, don't stop running, don't quit" Wow, talk about a perfectly placed word of encouragement. After I heard that I focused again and before I knew it I hit the one mile mark, i looked down at my watch and nearly fell.
I have been running just around a 12 min. mile. Which while in comparison to many isn't hot, but good things running is not about comparison but about 'my run'. Looking down at my watch I saw 11:03! No wonder I wasn't settling in, I was running fast than I ever had! I walked a little and was surprised at how quickly I recovered.
I came to the next part of the trail which I had measured to be a mile the other day and the whole time leading up to it I just wanted to do the same mile time again or maybe even a little faster. :) I started running again but by this time after walking I was cold, my muscles were warm but my skin was cold. (wishing I had long sleeves at that point) I got about what I thought was half way and began to defeat myself again, but I refused. I knew I would finish and whatever time my watch said would be great. I crossed the line at 11:00 flat! I had no idea that this was in me.
What an amazing thing to watch my body begin to do things that I never thought it would do! Pretty crazy. All I can say is that I am really thankful for the amazing people in my life that encourage me, push me when I want to quit on myself, and run this journey alongside me. (some physically do run along side me :) ) I am thankful.
No idea if this happens to others but it takes any where from 1/2 a mile to 1 mile for me to settle into my pace and feel comfortable, but it wasn't happening I was just not settling in. I kept thinking it was the cold and I kept thinking that maybe I should stop. I kept saying to myself all the reasons why I could stop, but this tiny little part of me just couldn't, and I was amazed at how well I was justifying my quitting. My new running mantra has become. "Will not Quit, I will Finish"
I am coming around a corner and there is a man with large St. Bernard standing there. He makes eye contact with me and says "just keep going, don't stop running, don't quit" Wow, talk about a perfectly placed word of encouragement. After I heard that I focused again and before I knew it I hit the one mile mark, i looked down at my watch and nearly fell.
I have been running just around a 12 min. mile. Which while in comparison to many isn't hot, but good things running is not about comparison but about 'my run'. Looking down at my watch I saw 11:03! No wonder I wasn't settling in, I was running fast than I ever had! I walked a little and was surprised at how quickly I recovered.
I came to the next part of the trail which I had measured to be a mile the other day and the whole time leading up to it I just wanted to do the same mile time again or maybe even a little faster. :) I started running again but by this time after walking I was cold, my muscles were warm but my skin was cold. (wishing I had long sleeves at that point) I got about what I thought was half way and began to defeat myself again, but I refused. I knew I would finish and whatever time my watch said would be great. I crossed the line at 11:00 flat! I had no idea that this was in me.
What an amazing thing to watch my body begin to do things that I never thought it would do! Pretty crazy. All I can say is that I am really thankful for the amazing people in my life that encourage me, push me when I want to quit on myself, and run this journey alongside me. (some physically do run along side me :) ) I am thankful.
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Running...still
Welcome to November! I don't know about you but a snowstorm is not usually the way I like to say goodbye to October, but whatever works.
Things here at Nyack are going well. The semester is now more than 1/2 through which means that I am more than 1/2 way through my last semester in Grad. School! Finally, it feels great.
I have still been running. I am now running about 3 miles a day usually 4 days a week then another mile or mile plus the other 2 days a week and taking a day off. It feels great! I am loving learning that I can do more than I ever thought possible. It has been a great learning experience. There is so many places I can go with this. I am excited.
Things here at Nyack are going well. The semester is now more than 1/2 through which means that I am more than 1/2 way through my last semester in Grad. School! Finally, it feels great.
I have still been running. I am now running about 3 miles a day usually 4 days a week then another mile or mile plus the other 2 days a week and taking a day off. It feels great! I am loving learning that I can do more than I ever thought possible. It has been a great learning experience. There is so many places I can go with this. I am excited.
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