Progress Report on the Goal

Today January 29th, 2010 was a day I feared and anticipated. The time has come to see if my hard work and life changes are finally beginning to pay off. So here is the update. I was hoping for a minimum of 8lbs off. While I didn't get my eight lbs, I did get four of them and an additional 8.25 inches off the body. We instead of my eight pounds I got eight inches not sure which is better, but I am trying to stay positive instead of being bummed about falling short of my 8lbs goal.

What do you think, inches or lbs, which number should be more important.

Courageous Compliment

While talking with some amazing women this week and I posed the question "how many times this week were you complimented and you really received it." I was so surprised by their answers. Some of them laughed and wondered what it would be like to get a compliment.

I was so amazed by this and saddened. Learning to receive a compliment was probably one of the hardest things I have had to do. It comes from being able to see myself as worthy of those compliments, and learning to trust those who are giving them that they are being honest and authentic. Although I have also come to see that it isn't my job to judge their honestly or authenticity. It is my job to accept the compliment and allow it to refresh and renew my spirit.

Learning my worth is in something larger than people or my accomplishments has helped me to learn to accept a compliment. Each compliment is like a little hug from God, a reminder that not only am I loved but I am liked, chosen , and precious.

Learning this things, being reminded of them helps me to stay on track. Stay focused on the changes I want to see in my life. So what do you think, are you courageous enough to not just hear compliments but to receive them? Go on I dare you!

Results!

So I apologize I forgot to update the blog yesterday! I did it! I reached the goal I ran/walked 3.1 miles granted it wasn't as fast as I wanted but it was good. I felt great afterwards and then today I was back in the gym for another mile+. It feels really good!

Thanks for sticking with me on this. I appreciate this.

Knowing that it is out there and being accountable to it makes this worthwhile.

Frustration, DisSatisfaction, Challenges

It always seems to amaze me just how powerful the mind can be.

Here's what I mean by that... I am now one week away from the first month weigh in. And to be honest, it seems a little frustrating for me. I wish I had a clue as to if I was on the right track. I think lots of things seem this way in life. We are looking for visible or tangible bench markers to help encourage us to stay on the right path.

In fact our sermon today talked a little about the faith that we need to have in spite of the fear we might feel. Because the fear is usually based on things we have felt, seen, or experienced, I would dare to even say that these things don't just bring on fear, but have the power (if we allow them) to discourage us and throw us off our game.

I am not going to allow that to happen this time! I am going to trust and rely on faith that things are heading in the right direction. Sure I don't see the drastic changes that I wish I did, in fact not sure anyone does, but maybe it is best that it isn't drastic. I do know this, I feel better! I am full of energy and know that my choices with food, and life are in general smarter, healthier, and more pleasing not just to me but to my Father. The question becomes, can I allow that to be enough for me? Can my faith fill in the gap for the things I don't see, the frustrations I feel? Is my faith strong enough to handle that?

I pray so. Because I need it to be.

Tomorrow is a big day. It might not seem big to some of you but it is pretty big to me. I have debated on putting this up here because well.... then it means I will have to give an answer to it. In my flesh it is so easy to say "don't put it up there, then no one will no if you tried and failed." But I refuse to listen so here it is my big excitement. I am shooting for 3 miles in my walk/ run tomorrow! I know it might not be much for many of you, but for me this is huge. I have never hit three consecutive miles. But I have recently done 2+ and now I am ready I think to push for three. Granted this won't be world record breaking times, but it might be a world record breaking event. So Tune in tomorrow. We shall see if ... my faith got me through this frustration and back to the gym tomorrow. Because that is where the battle is, am I going to allow my mind and my old patterns to win, to discourage me from even trying just because I don't see or feel the results I wish I did by now. Or ... am I going to rely on the Lord to validate me, and remind me who I am . Because if it is the Lord I am relying on... then I am sure I will see you at the gym tomorrow.

Safe place to dare it all

How luck am I that I have a place where I can safely risk it all. What am I talking about? Today I came to realize that I have a chance an opportunity to do something that few people do. I have a chance to learn a completely new skill, and do it in an environment where I can be coached by one of the best in a safe environment where not only are people caring for me but are invested in seeing me succeed.

I have come to a place where God is opening door for me to begin to see what life is, what it means to live sold out for Him, giving Him my best, and daring to risk it all just to grow and see His kingdom expand.

It means moving past my fears and finding the courage to go a different path. That's what this year is all about. Making the changes that will change my life. Being willing for once to find the courage to risk failing, to really experience life.

Can't wait to see what happens.

Skiing, Sugar and Sundae's

Yester was great! I had a chance to do one of my favorite activities, skiing. My friend Ashley and I took off about noon and headed to a small local mountain for an afternoon and evening of skiing.

Skiing by the way is a great form of exercise. I know this not only because I have looked it up but because usually after a day of skiing you can feel it all over your body. While it may not be the best cardio activity it does pretty good on the toning and strengthening end of things.

So, we get up there and are having a great time and about 3 hours in we decide we are going to eat dinner. Now this is the same friend that three days ago told me I had to help her get off sugar. This was day three and I was so proud of her! However, just as we were paying for dinner ...there it was.... the dreaded bag. .... full of watermelon slices. And no I don't mean fresh watermelon. I do mean those (gross to me) little hunks of gummy sugar coated in sour sugar, the ones that my friends is crazy about. So she buys the bag. Again the question come of of how often does one get to celebrate. After all she had gone three days. Well, we decided for her that she could celebrate her three day but now she is going for five days before the next "celebration"! Go , I know you can do it!

I have to tell you I work with some amazing people and recently the topic of ice cream sundaes has been coming up all the time. We have been talking about our favorite kinds and the best places to get them. Well don't you know leaving the ski hill, we would just have to happen to drive by a friendly's and everyone knows that that is the best place to get some ice cream. So... did we just drive by ... no. We went in to have some ice cream. I had made some great choices all day so not sure where this once came from. I know I was hungry skiing does that to me, and all I had for dinner was a cup of tomato soup and an orange, so we split a grilled chicken and cheese quesadilla, and then the sundaes arrived. Mmmm!

Now here is the greatest part. In the past I would have finished it in no time and then even wanted another maybe. Last night though... I ate it slowly really trying to enjoy it, and then about half way through I was full and I left it. I just walked away. It felt amazing. Food is really loosing its power.

So all in all a great day! NExt week is the real test time to get weighed in.... Lets hope there has been some changes.!

Favorites

So yesterday while eating dinner I began to wonder.... is it bad that I have all my favorite restaurants in my phone. Saved to my favorites. And what exactly does that mean.

Has food become so important to me that I feel the need to include them with my friends and family. Or is it a matter of convenience. I guess it come to a matter of the heart. Why did I put this on my phone, for me the answer would be that I wanted to be able to get at this number any time I wanted it. Which wouldn't be bad, and won't be bad as long as I am using it when it is safe for me to use.

For those of you that have never heard the word safe attached to food, let me introduce this to you. There are healthy and not so healthy relationships that people can have not only with other people but with things. For me one of the areas I struggle with is with food. In the past it hasn't always been a healthy or "safe" relationship, each day I work to make it so. But in previous times it has been dangerous, I have used food to feel better to escape to deal with life, making it a very unhealthy relationship.

So as long as I am making sure that when I use that number... it is simply because I and some friends are looking for pizza, and not because I am sad, or upset, or looking to bury my head, then things will be OK.

So for now the number stays, it is handy to have around, however knowing that I can delete it if needed gives me a great deal of comfort.

A Good Read and a Good Conversation...

It is so hard to explain my struggles to someone who has never had the struggle with their weight that I have. I have finally found someone who has been able to verbalize the mental struggle so well. Karen Kingsbury in her newest book, "Take Two" This book series features two families that have returned from the mission field to tackle a new mission, film making. One of them is married to a women who struggles greatly with controlling her life through her eating. In the book this women's thoughts are on display, showing the inner thoughts of some of us who struggle so greatly with emotional eating, and lives that are controlled by food and thoughts of food.

I must say that each day while there are new challenges, the sense of freedom and forward motion that is developing is amazing. I can see myself making decision that are different from any other decisions I have ever made. It is encouraging, and as long as I can keep my mind focus on the source of my strength. As long as I can keep my heart mindful that I am loved, than I think this might just be my time.

Tonight I was talking with one of my best friends and she said to me "Sarah, you've got to help me I am craving sugar. As of tomorrow I want to stop." My reply was simple... "why tomorrow?" She responded in all truth , "because I want my one more night to enjoy it, one more night to eat and pig out." I laughed at her and warned her she was about to star in my blog tonight, and she agreed.

This is what we do.. we say we will wait till tomorrow and then for most of us that promised 'tomorrow' doesn't come. It reminds me of a story I read in Exodus. Moses had gone to Pharaoh to give Pharaoh the chance to be without the frogs God had brought upon the land. The story reads like this ...

"Pharaoh summoned Moses and Aaron and said, "Pray to the LORD to take the frogs away from me and my people, and I will let your people go to offer sacrifices to the LORD." Moses said to Pharaoh, "I leave to you the honor of setting the time for me to pray for you and your officials and your people that you and your houses may be rid of the frogs, except for those that remain in the Nile." "Tomorrow," Pharaoh said. Moses replied, "It will be as you say, so that you may know there is no one like the LORD our God."

You see here is the problem, God wants to be the God of today, of now.. yet we want to live in the beds we have made just one more night. Why? What are we afraid of losing? Can't we see that we have so much more to gain than we do to loose.

Chinese Food

Why is it that there are some days when we are just willing to toss all the hard work out the window and not go on. Today was one of those days? It seemed that everything was against me. We had a birthday in my class so there were cupcakes, I had also promised my students I would make brownies with them,(from scratch of course). Then what I would consider the best offer came through, the chance to spend sometime with my mom, whom I love and enjoy one of our favorite restaurants. The Chinese buffet.

My day started and it seemed no matter how hard I tried to make the right choices and stay away from the stuff that I didn't need it called to me. I just tried them, but then comes the guilt that I wasn't able to stay away. So why does it become a fatalistic thing, 'well I messed up today already why not eat the egg roll, and the boneless spare ribs.' (I mean they were good, but definitely not needed.)

My question is why is it that I was so willing to toss the day down the dumps just because of a little temptation, just because I slip once why does it mean I have failed. This is one of the patterns that need to be broken, because this is when one bad day leads to giving up for the week and the month and the year.

I am not willing to allow this to throw me off this time. I have to much going... it isn't worth it. So tomorrow we start again. No guilt, no shame, no feeling of failure or disgust, just fresh. Tomorrow is a new day, and His mercies are new every morning!

Eleven Days In

I can't believe it, I have almost made it two weeks! Who would have thought. I hear you need to do something for 6 weeks before it become a habit. Well I am almost two weeks down leaving only four to go.

This week has had a rough start. It has been a challenge to be overcome. My hearts has just seemed a heavy. It would be my first instinct to withdraw, and bury my feelings in food. However, this time I am not going to do that. I am facing up to my feelings, allowing them to be there, giving them the validation that they are real, and giving me the freedom to just talk with my FATHER about them.

I am wondering now when it is exactly that I get to celebrate. I am so excited for what is happening in my life, that even having a heavy heart won't slow it down, or contain my excitement.

Looking forward to celebrating in the near future. Can't wait!

Authenticity -2

I realized that never really finished my thought with my last post. The reason I posted on authenticity is that it is what I want. I desire and long to be authentic not only with myself but with those around me.

I feel that no matter what the definition you use, it is more important that the life you are living is authentic. It is one that displays who you are and whom you belong to. Are you really sold out for who you are?

Authentic

Authentic:

Have you ever tried to define a word that is a character trait, or a life style. Go ahead try... I know that I struggle so hard with defining it in a way that makes me happy with the definition. Everything I tried to come up with resulted in me feeling like something was left out.

Dictionary.com says : Authentic means- –adjective
1.not false or copied; genuine; real: an authentic antique. 2.having the origin supported by unquestionable evidence; authenticated; 3.entitled to acceptance or belief because of agreement with known facts or experience; reliable; trustworthy

This weekend I came to realize that we as people, maybe only Americans or maybe only me, struggle with being authentic. Why? What am so afraid of? Is it a fear that someone will find out I am not perfect. Well, guess what I am not. I am not now, nor will I ever be perfect. Is it a fear of failing to measure up? Maybe but it depend on who's doing the measuring. If I am measuring, then yeah, sure of course I am going to fail because I know that my standards aren't right, and most of the time if I am doing the measuring it is against someone else. And well we all know that, that never works out well.

So what holds up back from being authentic? For me for the longest time it was failing or being judged, but now ... I don't have that luxury of worrying about that. Someone wise told me today that change happens when the cost of staying the same out weights the fear and cost of changing.

I guess I reached that point. I had to change. I had to start letting people into my life. Why? because I wanted my life to more than what it was. I wanted to connect with people, I wanted to do life with others and how can I expect people to share with me, if I can't learn to be authentic, and open with them.

So not only is part of my resolution to journey to a thinner healthier life, but in order to do this I need to learn to be authentic. This authenticity is not just about my weight or with other people, but it needs to pour into all aspects of my life.

What will that look like? Good question I guess that is still part my journey to figure out and wrestle with things. I really noticed my struggle this weekend, I didn't make it to the gym for three days in a row, and it was so second nature for me to find a way to justify why. But then I stopped realized that sure I could justify it, and probably convince myself of why I hadn't been but what would that do. Would that be me being authentic. No, so here it is the reason I didn't go to the gym was because....I was tired. Hmm, kind of freeing.

Living authentically, is going to be just that freeing. It will take courage, but as I am coming to see and really believe, most things in my life when I first start take courage.

At least the things that are worth doing, take courage.

Fear of loosing momentum

I can hardly believe we are done with the first week of the new year. Friday, was a day of rest for me. It was great I have to say, and much needed. Today however; I felt like I had lost a little of the momentum. Last night I spent the night being lazy with one of the coolest people I know. Yesterday was also a day I didn't go to the gym. Now here it is Saturday night, while I made some great choices with what I ate, I didn't get to the gym again.

As I was sitting here tonight I began to wonder, where did my momentum go? Did I just loose some of it? I had to stop myself. This is the old pattern of thought, that now it would be over. In the past it had to be perfect every moment of the journey no place for rest or variance. Yet when you look at things variety is the reality and sometimes you need to take a day or two off. Some days will be fabulous I make it to the gym, I eat great, I feel great. While other days I will struggle. Life will happen and I may not do it all perfectly, AND THAT IS OK! I can't let living life become an excuse a way out for me. I allow not living up to my expected perfection stop me or cause me to doubt my self on this journey.

A good friend of mine left me some feedback on one of my latest blogs, and he hopes that I will begin to hunger for God and the word of God, that I will allow this to feed me. I pray for this too. The "hunger" in each of us can be filled two ways a healthy way which leads to wholeness, or a self satisfying, unhealthy way. My old patterns were just that, self satisfying at the moment, which merely held off the pains of my "hunger". The old patterns were a place where if I were perfect and met all my expectation I figured I would never be "hungry", and since I never met my expectation I understood why I was always "hungry".

Now it is about laying the foundation and making the choices that will feed me in a healthy way. The guidance I need, and the wisdom I need to establish these more realistic expectations can only come from one source, My creator. Iif they come from me they run the risk of not being the right expectations. I am looking for a way to feed my whole self, and only the Lord knows what I truly need.

So thanks to my friend for reminding me that despite all the temptations ahead, the desires to throw in the towel, the feelings of failure. I have the one true source who can really feed me wholly, and healthily. I need to rely more on Him, then on me.

Girlfriends!

Today I witness and received the power of friendship in its finest form. Today started out a tough day. I have a dear friend, who is just as important a member of our family as anyone, and I came to understand the reality that she is sick. It has been hard, but that is just me being selfish, because no matter how hard it is for me, it am not in her shoes and having to endure it. Our friend is am amazing women, a survivor, a mother, a sister, a friend, a wife, an encouragement, and just someone who does life with others well. You would understand this if you have someone in your life who is like this. She is a pillar of strength, and a cushion of love and support all at the same time. The type of person who gives wings to your dreams simply by believing in you, and what you want to do and be.

Today, I came face to face with the fact that she is sick. And there is nothing I can do to fix this. Talk about disabling. All I wanted to do was come home, crawl into bed, and eat. Why eat, well because it might take my mind off of the hurt for a minute, or maybe it would stuff everything back down, either way it seems to have the power to make things better. Even if it is only for the temporary moment.

Then my calendar reminded me that I was supposed to meet up with a bunch of girlfriends I hadn't been able to get together with in a while. We were scheduled to celebrate one of our birthdays! These women came into my life, some would say by chance, and I would say by divine action. We are all in different places in life, experiencing different things yet, when we are together my soul is refreshed, and I laugh and am encouraged.

I so didn't want to go meet with them tonight. I thought and came close to calling and saying I wouldn't make it. But, I figured I would at least go and if I needed to I could always beg out early. It was just what I needed. We laughed, we talked about everything, and I mean everything. We celebrated, we tried to solved the problems of the world (well maybe not) they refreshed me.

Tonight could have been, tough. I could have followed the same patterns I was stuck in, withdrawing, and eating but I didn't. Sure I probably had one to many slices of honey wheat bread, and probably didn't need that bit of rich chocolate cake, but you know what. Tonight's meal was more nutritious and better for me than any other choice I could have made or would have made in the past. Tonight they helped to put life in perspective. I came to realize that life needs to be celebrated just like a birthday. Each moment is special, and who better to celebrate with than your family, loved ones and your girlfriends.

Bored

Have you ever found yourself sitting there, maybe you are watching TV, or maybe reading a book or magazine, and all the sudden you have this overwhelming urge to eat. You are 'certain' you much be hungry. I mean after all it has been like what, maybe an hour or two since you have eaten. Well if you haven't experienced this let me just tell you this is the story line that flows in my life.

I could have just finished a great meal and be full, I mean really full satisfied and then it attacks. It is like it just comes out of nowhere and I am all the sudden feeling starving. So what do I do... I eat.

But am I really hungry, no probably not I am just bored. But the urge to eat is so strong that I just eat. This ever happen to you. Maybe not, but it is a reality so now I have to find a new way to spend my down time.

My tricks, brush my teeth, chew sugar free gum, or .... drink some good water with a little splash of lemon juice and either splenda or sweet n low. So far the trick work, but what I am really hoping for is for them to disappear.

Again a lot of this comes back to a battle in the mind. Can I be strong enough today to make the right choice? Today I can, and that is all I can speak for , I know that I have won the day, are there days coming that I will loose? Maybe, I hope not, and I know where the source of my hope comes from. But this is new, this is a new mind frame. WHen you are in the middle of the cycles of try, doubt, fail, give up, you can't reach this place. So, how did I move out of that cycle.

Grace. Love. Hope.

Not just that have been given to me, but that I desire to give it to others.

What will motivate you? What will break that cycle?

Good day

Today, was such a blessed day. I was privileged to watch and be part of a true celebration of life. This women of God was loved by many and was a person who lived out her faith, what a testimony. I was able to watch the family and friends remember and say goodbye.

I want that in my life. I want to live a life that leave a mark. I can't do that if I am not at my best. It dawned on me today that I have a responsibility to those around me to be my best, or I am robbing them of precious time together. Our time here is so short compared to eternity, why take the chance at making it shorter, when getting healthy and being my best is something I can do to give my all not just to my creator but to my family, friends and loved ones.

This past Sunday we looked at some scripture where the people were discouraged and had given up on the task that they once were so passionate about. I feel like I have walked that road over and over again. I get passionate and then I become self absorbed and either walk away from it, or allow myself to become defeated and give up. Yet the word they received was to be strong and remember that God was with them, and always would be that was His promise.

So then that leaves me with one choice... to obey, I need to stay strong, realize giving the Lord all that I am and the best of that is what I am called to do, and my best self is one that is healthy.

Is that me in the mirror?

So today I want to talk about something that is really shocking. Do you know...that, that is me in the mirror. How is it that we can be two people. I mean when I think about myself, or picture myself it isn't the person that I see in the mirror. When I look into the mirror, I am shocked, I guess that is what is motivating me.

This past weekend one of our pastor's talked about a crisis moment that shocked him into action. While I can say that there hasn't been one specific moment, it has been more like a series of moments that have motivated me to really wonder what life could be like.

I will be honest I do a lot of things. I am active, I ski, I swim, I hike (once and a while), but there has to be more. Not sure what it will look like, but I really want to be at my best. And I know that the weight I am now .... is not my best.

But how powerful is the mind that I have been able to draw up an image of myself that isn't reality. I guess it has been easier to see my thinner self in my mind then to look at the one that is really in the mirror.

So what do we say, is it time to toss out the image I have in my mind, and face the reality. Or has the image been a security, and something I am not sure I can say goodbye to just yet.

I guess I will have to trust on God, and wait for him to reveal who it is that I am meant to be.

So I was wondering is three days enough to have passed before I celebrate? Which raises a question... all growing up celebrations were marked by food. Got good grades...have a cake, it's your birthday ...lets go out to eat. Feeling happy...lets have a snack. (and so on and so on) So I guess redefining celebration is in order.

Hmmm.... celebration at the heart of it, is to my understanding a recognition of something done well, and encouragement to continue.

Ideas... (non food related ideas)

Sticker Chart

Buy a New book

New Song download from Amazon

Take 5 pounds off my weights on the next gym visit

Take a 30 minute nap during the week one day

Go to the Movies with Friends

Get a Massage


So I guess I have a few things to still work out... like when do I get to celebrate? And what is a new appropriate way to celebrate?

Today was a great day! Made some great choices, but feel like I didn't really eat enough, and who knew that not eating enough was not going to help me just like eating to much doesn't help. Oh the balance of things, I never realized just how hard this is, but it isn't impossible.

So here is my funny story for the day. Went to the store after church and bought some groceries for the week, saw one of my students. Then I dropped the groceries off at home and went to the gym, some peanut butter toast in hand. Swam for about 45 minutes then returned home. I was so starving, and all I wanted was baked potato with some low fat cheese and cooked hamburger. OH boy was I ever salivating and really wanting it.. It seemed that it wouldn't cook. Everything in the kitchen was calling to me asking me to eat it. It all looked so good and I was so hungry, then my dinner finished! YAY! I ate half of it and was stuffed.... oh the irony. I was so looking forward to eating it.. it smelled and tasted so good, and then I was full. Oh so sad.

To Pasta or not to pasta

I guess you could say that challenges and test are what make the women... I knew that changing my life would not be easy but I thought maybe it would take a day or two before I was faced with some big tests..

Today the world's cutest nephew (I am biased) took his first ride on a train...so his Grammie and I showed up to meet him as he got off the train, and where did we decide to be but to Olive Garden. Now don't get me wrong... I love Olive Garden and that is the problem. There is nothing better in my eyes than hot warm bread, and Olive Garden has an endless supply of that and my second favorite, pasta.

So, the questions came what is it that I order... well I can be proud of myself. I made a great choice. I ordered soup, salad and an Ice tea...and instead of chicken and gnocchi soup I had minestrone.

I was sure that I was going to feel left out and disappointed about not having pasta but I wasn't..I had a part of a bread stick and a small bite of pasta.

All I have to say is nice job, Sarah...

Challenge #1

Here we are exactly 11 hours and 49 minutes into the new year and into my journey and I have come to place where I have to make a decision. You see in our house New Years Day is marked by sitting around watching the Rose Parade and eating one of our favorite breakfast foods, Cinnamon rolls. So, do we give in on our New Years Resolution already and have some Cinnamon rolls or do I go for the whole grain slice of bread. Well today was a victory! I made a great choice,

Breakfast today,

Pan fried Egg in a non-stick pan
Slice of Whole Grain bread with fresh strawberry rhubarb jam
An apple

Two glasses of water.

Nice Choices... feels good to know that I don't have to panic this won't be the last time in my life I will have the chance to have a Cinnamon roll.

The First Day

Well I know it has been said that a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. And I understand how truly corney, yet one hundred percent true that is. So here is my first step. Writing this blog, who knows if anyone will ever read it, but I hope it will help keep me accountable, and give me a record of the journey.

What journey you may ask, well the year 2010 just began and this year I have a great resolution...

The Goal: To loose weight!

I know almost everyone we know created this goal, and most of us will probably abandon it by march, but this year it is different. I want a new life, I want to see how my life can and will be different. I have used my weight to hide for so long, it is time that I come out of the shadow, and see who I am.

So what does that really look like....It means loosing about 80 -100 pounds...I figure if there are 52 weeks in a year, I am looking at a jouney that will last at least that long. I want a change. For the first time in my life I want things to be different, with a passion and devotion. I hope that writing this blog, knowing that it is written down will help me get through those tougher times.

So here we go... 52 weeks 365 day... what will life be like for a girl about to be thirty... who changes her life around?