December update

It is now the end of december where in the world did 2010 go. I know time flies, but really, seriously this fast. I can hardly remember each of the months they have all seen to go by so quickly.

This holiday season has been a struggle, at times I feel like so much has been going on that I am not sure what is happening although it is hard to stay in control when you aren't even sure what is going on, and that is a good place for me to be.

Spiritually, God has been showing me what my next step towards wholeness looks like. It is a matter of finding a way to express my emotions and not just hold them in, deny them, or bottle them. Talk about a challenge, but it is something many people struggle with.

Emotionally, the semester is over. (Enough Said)

Physically - I have really struggled this holiday season. It is like my self control is waning. (Not a good thing) So I am trying to trust myself and the life change that I have made, to make good choices and be aware of what is going in my mouth. I am still loosing (yay!) But it has slowed down more like 1-2 pounds a week, which is still good just not as quick as I would like it to be. (isn't that true for all of us) This week in particular.. I went to the gym to see the fabulous trainer!!! (who is leaving soon :( ) and when I got weighed in I was only down .5 pounds.... I know I shouldn't complain, after all I saw what when into my mouth, and it was christmas week and I still lost. I know many people wish they could say that, but ... really only .5 pounds.......!!

I have been reading this great book, called Women Food and God by Geneen Roth. What a great book, almost done with it and I am sure this is one I will go back to again.

I can't believe tomorrow is New Years Eve, this is the end of my resolution. What a crazy year.

Reflections on the Tree

Oh Christmas Tree, Oh Christmas Tree... How very lovely are thee....

Christmas time, the end of the semesters, moving back home... yeah I would say that this is a lot to have going on in one persons life. I am finding out that it needs to be just taking one moment at a time. Making sure that in each moment I am making the best choices and I have my priorities straight.

I am not sure about you, but at some point this week I am certain that the weather must have made me wonky, because for about a 24 hour period, think I ate just about everything that I came in contact with. Not sure how this happened, like I said I think it was the weather, at least I wanted it to be the weather. It is amazing how this can happen, I was so focused and still am focused however it was just a brief period of time. So I woke up the next morning and put my priorities straight. I went to the gym, I owned up to my eating and stopped the insanity.

It felt great... now I am just trying to stay on top of all of this. One of the cool things going on in my life is reading this book call WOMEN FOOD AND GOD unusual pathways to almost everything. What a great book. I will post more as I read more.

This week the semester finally ends and I can't wait. Academically this has been one of my most challenging semesters, I have seen some great things but will be glad to have the school work side of things over.

What! December!?!

Deck the Halls and Trim the Tree! Fa la la la la la la la la... Ok so maybe remembering Christmas carol lyrics isn't my strong suite, but I love this season.

Life for me has been crazy. Coming back from Cape Town it took probably a month for me to readjust to being here in the states and to get caught back up on work. It wasn't until about thanksgiving where I have finally been able to feel a little bit of the pressure begin to ease off. I also finally feel like my head is working again, it was so weird to be living in this fog of not really being here, but knowing I am here. (I am hoping my world traveling friends can understand and will back me up)

I guess I owe you all an update especially those of you that haven't seen me in a while. Let me catch you up. Last January on new years day I decided that it was time to change my life around. I was going to try to lose 80 -100 lbs in the 2010 year. What a crazy journey I was beginning.

So here we are 11 months later... and well lets just say I haven't lost my 80 or 100 lbs. But this is ok. There have been many roadblocks and bumps along the way. So first to celebrate. I have since last January lost 49 lbs! What a great accomplishment and I have lost a total of 33+" This has revealed a beginning of a new me. Well I guess I would say began to reveal the real me.

I have also just recently hit my lowest mile time. 11min 59 sec. I also am running for 3.2 miles at a time, well mostly I wog it, which is my variation of walking and Jogging, however just today I ran it. It was great! I am beginning to enjoy my work out, ok well certainly not love it, but I do see how it is great for me.

All this to say is these great wins have produces some interesting challenges, such as learning to accept myself, learning to embrace the new me.

I also have to bring up the idea that many of you have comment on the original title for this blog which was a fat girls journey...Yes I get it.. but for me I haven't changed it because that is what I really believe/d I was. I was the fat girl I owned it as my identity, and am still trying to shed that identity. But for those of you who spoke words of life into me regarding this I simply say THANK YOU! Each of those words while probably poorly received by me was heard, and I believe they will begin to take root and really blossom.

Also this year has just brought a great focus of what my priorities are. I have spent so many year especially the last two years focused on my academics in an effort to distract from my unhappiness but this semester God has realigned me to say lets focus on your spiritual life and your physical health, and it has come at a cost, I know I will probably end up with B's this semester, but it has been worth it.

This has been probably the biggest life change semester ever. Someone I know and value said to me.."Sarah you can't be a life change person if you aren't willing to go through life change yourself."

Return from Lausanne

I can hardly believe it. I have been home for over a week now and am still trying to find my feet and understand what it is that God might be calling me to door become in response to the amazing words and experiences I have encountered.

Late last night after an amazing weekend, some sad news began to circulate. This new was about a beloved professor at my school who had passed away. The news was shocking to us as students and former students. This man embodied the love of Christ so well that many were just drawn to him. He had an amazing ability to teach theology in a way that made sense and in a way that would draw you closer to the Lord.

Dr. Paul Siu, was a man who lived his faith in every waking hour of the day. He was a husband, a father, a man of God, and a brilliant seminary professor. His life will be missed here on earth. There is a sadness for those of us that must now only encounter his passion through is memories, but there is also a challenge for us. To go and replicate that love of Christ, the love for others and the love of theology in our own lives. Thanks to Dr. Siu for being so much more than a teacher of book knowledge, thank you for being a man whose life many will want to replicate.

What time off

Who would have thought, yesterday afternoon was the first time I had some time off, and I really enjoyed it. I was able to catch part of a discussion in the women in ministry lounge, and then I was able to sit and watch Tim Keller speak about mega cities.

Today though we are heading out and about Cape Town, looking to see some new things and experience things. Last night we went out and had just some good times and great discussions. I met a wonderful women who understands the struggle of coming to be a female leader in a world where male leadership has been so predominantly historical. It was great to talk with her, and even though she is from Australia, it was great to find common ground and talk with someone who has much experience learning to find and use her voice and her gifts.

Things here at Cape Town have been good, not sure they were as dramatically changing as I thought they would be but we still have 4 days, God can do big things.

Please continue to pray for the Congress and the Team,
Much love to you all
Sarah

Tuesday

I am having a hard time keeping track of the days, it seems like they are going by so fast.

Cape Town 2010 is proving to be just an amazing experience. Last night I sat in on a plenary session in which Asia and the suffering church were the two things that were most discussed. I was enlightened and found myself disturbed by their stories. To see that we as humans are still so oppressive to people makes me mad.

I wonder why it is that some people can radically defy what would be considered moral living, if not Christianity. (Although I know that sounds like a very western statement)

The night before last I have the pleasure of meeting such a saintly woman I was blown away by her humility and grace. She is so beautiful inside and out. She is that leader that is talked about in Hebrews 13:7 who's life is one that you want to emulate.

There is so much going on today, please be praying for this congress, it seems that it is all the little things that are going wrong, but those little things leave a big mark. It is not necessarily with me (although I did start my anti-biotic yesterday because my head cold became a sinus infection) It is little things like trying to stabilize a network so that 6000 people can be using it.

You know all those little things. Continue to pray that I will leave a changed person. That this congress will show me things, teach me things and not leave me unchanged.

Until next time!
Blessings and love, from Cape Town

Saturday

Greetings from the IT department at Lausanne 2010. Yes you read that correctly, yours truly has been transferred to the IT department. Well at least I am on loan. I mean I am having a great time showing people how to connect to the wireless... when it is up anyway. I have also spent the day networking printers and computers. Who would have guessed that I would ever be on an IT team.

While here at the Congress I also have a few other jobs, I am what they call crowd flow control. That means I get to practice my shepherding, by ushering over 1,000 people in the correct direction. ( Don't you feel God is leading you that way... I do! LOL ) I am also what they call a multiplex room steward. Meaning that during the multiplexes I stand at the door and only allow certain people in at certain times. Then I must tell them they can no longer come in.

What an amazing time this is. I was able to see part of the opening ceremonies... wow. It was amazing and that was with over 700 empty tables I can't wait to see what it is like when all those4,600 people are sitting in them.

Since we have been here we have all met some really great people and been introduced to several others. What a great opportunity to meet some real mover and shakers in the Christian Community.

Since being here we have been working really hard but have all really enjoyed it. Can't wait to begin to find some time to process some great things.

Miss you all, would love to hear from you. E-mail is the best.

Friday Lausanne !

Greetings from the CTICC, the Cape Town International Conference Center! What an incredible day. The day first started with our devotions. What a convicting time that was. I must admit in my heart there was a little bit of grumbling, you see my accomodations are clean, but simple however I was a little complaining in my heart. Today during our devotions we were called out and reminded that we are here to serve, and it will be hard and long work.

Then I was told that my day off was no longer my day and I was going to work. I arrived at work and was placed on the accomodation team and spent the morning welcoming people to Cape Town 2010.

During supper hours we met up with our local contact 'Big Luke'. Luke spent the rest of the afternoon and evening walking with us all over cape town city, and I do mean all over cape town city. We ate at a local south African/ Indian food court, we walked to the Castle Cape Town, and up to the Parliament buildings and then over the Muslim community and on back to the convention center. Needless to say I have walked more in the last few days then I have in a very very long time.

Right now it is 11:00 pm and I am still at the desk and tomorrow I report back here at 6:00 am. However I am meeting some amazing people that I know I will see in Heaven some day.

What an amazing opportunity.

Till tomorrow.

Day Two and Day Three

I can't believe time is flying by so fast. Things here have been crazy busy but very fun. We have had a great mix of training and sight seeing. And today was no exception. We spent the morning sight-seeing and then this afternoon we spent some time in the townships. Townships were the neighborhoods in which the people moved into during the troubled years. Currently they are still living there and they are growing.

I have so much to process through. My western mind would say that there is no way these people could be happy living in these conditions, but ... as I spent the time with them I did this afternoon, and had a chance to talk with them .... they are content. Sure they would like to see things better but for now... they are proud of what they have accomplished.

More to come...

Sarah

Cape Town

Cape Town 2010

Day Two Bergkroon, Wellington

Tuesday October 13 – Team Building

5:30 am

Way to early for the alarm to be going off... I mean it feels like I just fell asleep. Yesterday we arrived here at The African Train Lodge. It is basic accommodation but lets just say it doesn’t match the pictures that are on the internet. I at first was quite disillusioned if I could confess that. You see it isn’t that I require above average hotel stuff, I just simply want a hot shower and a place to lay my head and that is what they offer that and a nice warm breakfast.

I am not sure how it happened but I have become the steward rep. at the train lodge. Myself and my new friend Dan, we have been put in charge of organizing all 200 stewards that are here getting them out the door and on their way.

Today we left the train lodge and had a morning of team building. Where we met Doug Birdsall, I was able to be introduced to him and his Jaimie, we also met others from the planning committee of Lausanne 2010.

We were spoken to during out morning devotions and they spoke on Ephesians 4:1 Being in worth of the calling you have received in Christ. They spoke of bringing our life up to that standard who we are called to elevate our actions to a place that speaks of being worthy of the life we were called to.

Team Building

The team from Rockland, a d camping ministry was there at Bergkroon to help us get to know one another. In the process we were playing a game where there were thirty maps of countries and we had to assemble them, by finding the other people in our country. Then we were required to research the country we have and find a creative way to present that information in three minutes flat.

Unity

One of the major themes of the Congress is Unity. Becoming the one body as is put forth by Paul in Ephesians. That we are called to one body, one spirit, on God. The hope is that as a result of Cape Town 2010, we will know what it is we as a church universally need to be focused on and aware of.

What a great experience this have been so far. I am sitting here at a cafe in the middle of Cape Town, with Heraclio (from the NY campus) and it seems so normal. In a country where I was certain I would feel lost and out of place, but I don't. Instead I feel comfortable and am really having a great time.

I have met some amazing people, who I hope by the time I will call friends. They are from South Africa, Norway, Brazil, and Argentina. What an amazing experience.

Day One on The Cape Town Trip

Greetings from almost Cape Town! Yesterday or maybe it was just today we left from JFK. 10 what many would call strangers, all bound by the simple fact that we have dedicated ourselves to ministry for the Lord, have been brought together to travel to the Lausanne Congress in Cape Town, South Africa. Two Team meetings and a 14 hour plane ride later, and it is safe to say that... we are no longer strangers bound by our faith but are quickly becoming friends and a some what dysfunctional family.

Our goal to honor the Lord and see what is happening in the Kingdom world wide, our purpose to serve, observe, witness and participate. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity. Some of us have left behind spouses, children, family, we all have left behind people who are faithfully committed to praying for not only us individually, but as a team, and for the Congress on the whole.

Will you join them in that? Speaking of prayer requests ...will you be praying for the people in China, over 200 delegates ready to leave for this event have been banned from traveling. Not only would their participation be a disappointment for them but, the rest of the world would be missing out on hearing from people representing one of the fastest growing Church bodies in the world. Pray that they would be allowed to join us.

Well I have friends waiting to check e-mail... it is good to share..at least that is what they taught me in Kindergarten and we learned all we needed to know there. (at least that is what they say)

Pray for us. Stay tuned more updates to come.

Wow where has the time gone

I can hardly believe that we are now in October. It has been a crazy start to this semester and in just a few days I will be leaving for Cape Town, South Africa. I feel as though there is so much going on that I am not sure where to begin this blog.

I have now been doing Jenny Craig for over a month and I love it. It has finally begun to make a real difference in my appearance. Although this, if I am being honest this is proving to be rather challenging and unsettling. WHich is catching me completely off guard. I would have thought that looking thinner would be the end all for me, but it so far is not proving to be true.

A friend said to me just the other day, 'Sarah it seems like you aren't comfortable in your own skin' and it is true. I looked in the mirror the other day and saw someone different, and I am just not sure what to do with that.

It is a good feeling, just different. I am beginning to see that it isn't for me about looking better, but about feeling better, which I do. Since I am feeling better I am learning to view myself in a healthier light.

Learning to make activity a part of my life has been a challenge but a good one. Now I really am looking forward to being active in each day.

School is going well, but I am looking towards the ever closing in date of my trip to South Africa. This should be an amazing trip. I am concern about staying on program I will be gone for over 15 days. It will be hard but I don't want to have to re-loose or make up for damage towards my goal on this trip.

Sorry for my ramblings tonight. As I am reading this, I am just in awe of what the Lord is doing through all of this. He has given me the chance to really go after somethings. TO make changes that will free me to be able to serve in a healthier and more effective manner for the kingdom. Right now I need to spend time focusing on dealing with these things so that in the future they will be smaller and not as intrusive.

Oh well just some random thoughts.

Looking back

What a great journey this is turning into. I can't believe that I would be privaledged enough to begin this journey now over 9 months and to be where I am now. I have lost 22+inches from my body and just shy of 30 lbs.

But boy has this been an up and down journey. As many of you know from reading my last blog I have recently joined Jenny Craig. I find that this is such a great program for me. It gives me the structure I crave, the variety I want, it engages me in making decisions, and yet it is fast to prepare. Knowing that my food is taken care of and provided for has allowed me to begin to focus seriously on the mental side of life change.

I have begun to look at why it is that I eat, when I eat, and just how much power food has been given in my life.

It isn't an easy step to begin to look at your 'stuff' there are times when I feel so out of control it is incredibly frustrating yet, I am finding new ways to deal with these emotions instead of eating.

I am excited about this great opportunity because, I am excited to see what God wants to do as a result of this and through all of this. I am along for the ride. This weekend I will face probably one of the biggest challenges so far. I am going away for a few days and will be eating most of our meals out, which means I will need to be self disciplined and take it one choice at a time.

I am holding out hopes for great things.

Start of a new School year

I can't believe that the school year has finally arrived tomorrow I start back on what might be my last year of school. This year it will be a challenge not only is my school load harder than it has ever been but I have begun a journey I can't turn back on.

A major part of this journey is making my self care a priority. Now don't read that wrong it isn't about making things all about me, but making sure that I am staying healthy making sure that my eating well, and being active is a priority in each day. I am not sure how this will work out practically but I am determined to press on with it, and it helps to know that I have support and people who will help me to be focused on what my goals really are.

But the start of the semester brings with it more than just the challenge of fitting self care in but also

* What do I do now while I study, it used to be that I would munch or sip my way through long hours of reading or studying

* What do I do to keep focused. My mind runs a thousand miles a minute and usually chewing on something helps me to focus, so I have eaten my way through classes

* What do I do when study groups are all meeting over dinner and grabbing a bite to eat

* What do I do now on my way to and from school, I used to snack during the just short of an hour car ride

You see it isn't that other people haven't found ways to do all these things, it is that for me I am just beginning to realize how much power, and time this food thing took up. Now it is a matter of relearning all these behaviors. All these times when food isn't necessary but I have made it so.

I am scared.. scared to try to find new ways to focus and concentrate, scared to face situations where I will have to turn down food, and scared that somewhere along the way I will give up. Not because I don't have the best of intentions but because that has been my M.O.

You see I will also be starting this school year at a weight I haven't been in a long while, and there is kind of this sense of is this really for real. Has this new style of life really begun to take hold or is it a temporary thing. I think this might be it, but even just committing that far brings the pulse up just a few more notches.

I really want this, I want to be different, I want to change the way I cope, I want to personify the life change that I want other to have faith can exist for them. A wise friend once said to me recently. . . Sarah, how can you expect to be someone who shares and leads others to life change if you aren't willing to let it happen (go through it) in your own life....

To that I say Good Point. So ...

Though I am scared, Though I am trying not to believe that I will fail, Though I am painfully exposing that which has been held in the darkness of my heart; thereby removing its power , Though I am anxious... I have to stand tall..

because

I believe in a God who can help me through, how has waited for me to arrive at this point, I have friends who I am counting on loving me through truth, even when I am stubborn.

Because this time it has to be different...this time its about becoming healthy to serve the Lord better.

This isn't a new journey, this is just a continuation of the one that I began in January. You see, I was ready to see only in part. Back in January I was ready to begin to see the truth of who I was and how I was dealing with the world around me. Now , now I see a little more clearly just how much power I have allowed my relationship with food to take.

So with all this said, school starts tomorrow. Ready or not here it comes.

Almost done with Two weeks

Week One, Done! and now I am almost done with my second week. During the first week of Jenny Craig I began to realize just how much I needed to really make this work. I was encouraged by my 4 lb. Weight loss, although I am fully aware that most of the was probably water and that I should not expect that kind of loss every week, but none the less it was encouraging.

Up till now I have had a wonderful journey, sure there were some rough times there were challenges but each step of the way was important and necessary to take me through this journey.

You see making the decision to join Jenny Craig came because I was so not able to make the right choices if there were too many choices, OK let me rephrase on my own if left to choose most often I picked a rather unhealthy choice. I can give you all the reason, but those don't really matter I was still picking the unhealthy ones.

So tomorrow marks the end of week two, and boy is this harder than I would have thought. Following the Jenny program is great and I am really enjoying it but I am coming to see just how much power food has in my life, and it come to a point where it is almost embarrassing. Alright not almost; it is. Yet I am even more convinced that now is the time to face this, now is the time to grab hold of the God I believe in, in His power to redeem and bring fresh life. For I need it. I refuse to continue to let this cycle continue.

Dinner with Friends

"It is sad when I am frightened by the size of my own underwear."

I was out to dinner with some friends tonight and the topic was changing often until we hit the topic of underwear. I know what a topic to get stuck on. We spent much time discussing the pros and cons of different styles and which kind we each prefer. (That's when you know you are among good friends, sisters really) When the above quote came tumbling into the conversation. It made us laugh and I realized.. it is true.

When we look at ourselves whether it is in the mirror, or introspectively, we tend to quickly glance over the 'rough spots' or we tend to find one 'rough spot' and only dwell on that area. But rarely do I actually get a good accurate picture of what I look like. Until I sit down to fold my laundry.

My laundry has the ability to tell me great things about myself. Like if most of my laundry for the week is sweats and pj's I come to two conclusion. 1.) I am on vacation 2.) I am bummed out about something and it is time to sit down and figure it out.

If my laundry on the other hand is less then a load because the rest had to go to the dry cleaners... I know one thing for sure...I am working to hard.

If my laundry is full and has a variety of things life is quite possibly well balanced.

But never had I stopped to think my underwear would be a good assessment of where I am in this journey. I will say there are two sizes of underwear. But you don't need anymore info than that ...

So to update everyone on my last weigh in it went just as I had suspected it would go... not so hot. I have to say though I had 7 great months where things were all going down no matter how slowly, then vacation and the end of July hit, and I knew I was once again loosing control.

My trainer Janice was amazing that day. I felt the tears begin to fall ... as I faced what I knew had happened. I wasn't sobbing but the tears were definitely falling. I was tired, emotional, and disappointed.

You see, I hate that I have to fight this battle everyday. I hate that mom has to fight it and my aunt and my family. It is hard. I was throwing a great party full of pity for me. I am discouraged that this has been a serious 7 month journey and I still don't like working out, going to the gym. I know what I need to be eating , but in all this time I still don't have the self discipline to eat the right stuff. It is frustrating.

I needed a mind shift. I needed to look at my motivation, and why I want to do this. And I had to make a change. Janice and I looked at what we do in the gym together and made some changes, and then we addressed the idea of diet. And we made a radical choice. Since I have been in school and working like crazy, I have been eating anywhere from 2-3 meals out a day. While I have learned to make better choices there are still not so hot things about eating out.

So I went and joined Jenny Craig. We shall see how things going. So far I am 4 days in and doing well. Cravings aren't that bad and I am feeling stuffed all the time. This program makes my eating so much more convenient and the convenience is portioned correctly and counted calorically.

I am really proud of me, although I have some great friends standing by me. I really needed them this week and they were there. Making life change is never easy, in fact it is hard, and discouraging at times. But I know it is what I want, and with the Lord, and some good support I know it will happen. I am not ready to give up on myself yet.

Till next week.

Summer of Reflection

Guess what I can't believe that the summer is over! Ok well there is at least one more week. I find it so amazing that we set these great plans and say how wonderful something will be when this or that finally happens.

For me I was so sure that this summer would lead to great milestones in my weight loss, and overall health. I was sure of it, however it didn't. I am not mad over that, I am not disappointed, I am not angry, it just didn't happen the way I had hoped.

But, it also doesn't mean that it was a horrible summer, I didn't gain and I didn't really loose anything I will find out for sure this thursday, so the numbers will be in and a verdict passed. But it causes me to think it is so important to just do it today. Kind of like nike there can not be a sense of waiting for the perfect time to do something because once that perfect time arrives there will always be something that makes it not the ideal not the perfect time.

So instead of waiting it is time I just make the decision for each day for each moment, and stop dreaming about and reaching for the next perfect time.

Saturday Nights

Well I have found a great way to spend Saturday nights. This past Saturday night I found myself sitting in urgent care only to be sent over to Horton Hospital. This was the first time I found myself a little scared and wondering what might be wrong. I had this horrible pain in my lower abdomen. They were convinced they had ruled out appendicitis but they weren't sure what it was, their thought was a ruptured ovarian cysts. Which after 6 hours of fun, entertainment, and joy was what they told me it was however they weren't able to see it on the cat scan.

I will be following up this week my my own doctor, and who knows who else. My favorite things from the whole evening alright one of them was when my doctor came in said "your cat scan was clear, but we found a cysts on your hear." then he walked out not to return for another 20 minutes. Yeah it was fun.

So altogether it was a fun evening. It has allowed and forced me to take some time to rest and not do anything because of course I feel fine as long as I am not moving. :)

Lots of fun.... :)

Quick Stay in Horton

Well I have found a great way to spend saturday nights. This past saturday night I found myself sitting in urgent care only to be sent over to Horton Hospital. This was the first time I found myself a little scared and wondering what might be wrong. I had this horrible pain in my lower abdomen. They were convinced they had ruled out appendicitis but they weren't sure what it was, their thought was a ruptured ovarian cysts. Which after 6 hours of fun, entertainment, and joy was what they told me it was however they weren't able to see it on the cat scan.

I will be following up this week my my own doctor, and who knows who else. My favorite things from the whole evening alright one of them was when my doctor came in said "your cat scan was clear, but we found a cysts on your hear." then he walked out not to return for another 20 minutes. Yeah it was fun.

So altogether it was a fun evening. It has allowed and forced me to take some time to rest and not do anything because of course I feel fine as long as I am not moving. :)

Lots of fun.... :)

Summer, House sitting

Can't believe that summer is finally here! It feels like it has been a really long winter/ spring. This week I have two things going on kinda simultaneously which is making it difficult to understand just how I am feeling. I am house sitting for some friends. Which is giving me this great reminder of how much fun it can be to live on your own again. I notice that I am eating better this week, however lets hold out on making a clear tie between house sitting and eating well until the week is over. :) However, on the sad side of things my mom leaves for Maine this week. What a pleasure it is to have this land and this property. I am so glad that my mom is able t o go to Maine for the summer relax and unwind. It is such a good thing to do.

Speaking of relaxing. I am really excited my first full day off is this coming Friday. It will be my first 24 hour day off in the last seven months. Please know that I knew this was going to be a season I would go through. I prepared, and am preparing to finish it well, and during the seven months I had time off just usually had to work either the morning or the evening of that day. I am so excited to have seen the Lord bring me through this busy time and to be standing looking at it almost finished. All in all a lot of new things going on.

As far as eating goes. Well I have had a few better weeks and lots of interview work. I

Birthday!

Well friends, I can't believe the birthday is almost here. It is a really exciting time of the year for me. I love celebrating birthdays, and I am trying really hard this year to not make it an excuse to eat poorly. (although it is hard) I do however plan on enjoying myself, and just being really aware of my portion size.

One of the major benchmarks from this whole goal was that I was going to give up Mac and cheese from January 1st on to my birthday. Well in two day.. that is over. I am so proud of myself, I have gone over six months with out eating one of the foods that I used to crave, and used as an emotional eating tool.

I can not wait to experience this food just as a food. I feel it has lost a lot of the power it had, now it will be a food that I like, but know I can live without.

Pretty exciting.

Even the Mirror looks different

Well it is finally beginning to be noticable. I have found that this week, I feel like I look different. I had once again to weight in and measure. This time though I wasn't afraid of it. I was really looking forward to it.

And with good cause, What a great month this has been. The scale numbers are still not dropping at the rate that I would like but it is still going down. You see this month I lost 2% body fat. (how awesome is that) I also gained 6lbs of muscle mass, and lost 1.5 pounds but that weight loss was from this week! So all in all it has been a pretty successful month, also there was another 1.5 inches lost bringing the total inches to 19.5.

Part of me wishes that these numbers were a little higher but I will take it we are now 6 months into this journey, and things are starting to pick up. I must say ... although I wish they were higher, I will take them and I am pretty proud of myself. Can't wait to see what the next six months have in store.

Time to Comment

Life is busy.... have you ever noticed how the years seem to go by faster and faster as we get older. I have, and I don't appreciate it. Life has seemed to fly by me. I can't believe that we are now nine days into this new month and I have been the the gym only 4 times! What! Life especially as things are wrapping down for the year seems to be really busy.

I have had some great revelations, I found myself emotionally eating a lot last week and I have been struggling to keep it in check this week and have been doing ok so far.

I wish there was more to say but I will have more soon, this friday is weigh in week. Here's to seeing things go in the right direction again. :)

Coming to Realize New things

What a crazy week this has been. I don't know about you but do you ever have those weeks, when you just know you aren't yourself. You don't know who you have become but you are pretty sure that if body snatchers really existed they had come and found you and taken you away. Leaving in your place this foreign creature who was nothing like you.

That was my week!

So the week started out really rough, but it got better. I have begun a little word study and am really enjoying it. I have been seeing God move through this to continue to shape the person I am growing into. I had some amazing conversations with people.

I also realized this week I am becoming a lot like my mom, and I think it is a good thing. I know most of us have this realization at one point or another this moment of oh no I am becoming my mom. Sure it was kinda like that at first, but come one my mom is pretty great, so I guess if I am saying some of the same things it is ok, by me.

I did realize something , actually it was more like I had something confirmed for me this week. I know most of you would say that I am outgoing. An extrovert if you had to guess. But here comes the problem. I am not really an extrovert. At least not in the way I think of extroverts, sure I can do the social thing, and sure I can interact with all sorts of people in all sizes of groups but it is really tiring for me. It doesn't refresh me at all I get no sort of energy from it. In fact it really drains me. (mom understood this well)

Hmmm.... now what do I do with that info...

I also had a fabulous week at the gym. Although I didn't get there nearly as much as I would have liked. I would like to blame that on allergies and poor sleeping at night. I did manage to loose 1.5 pounds, and have a great training session. Thank you Janice. I don't know what I would do with out my friend and my trainer she is fabulous.!!

So all in all I think I have had a great bounce back from my little down swing the last week and a half. Still focused on the goal.

Have a great memorial day!

Life...

Life, has its moments. Thank you to those of you who offered words of encouragement. I will continue to press on because that is what needs to happen. Someone shared a great word with me, and while I have heard it in varying ways it was interesting to hear it this week. This women said to me "remember your body is God's" and while that is true and I know it, I really is true. If I look in the mirror and right away begin to critique what is there then what is that saying about what God gave me. I need to remember that this body is what was given to me , now I am not saying that there isn't room for improvement there is , I have abused this body. But I also must respect it, and look at it from a perspective of valuing what I have been given. And seeing it through the Lord's eyes.

Loosing Stride.

Dear Friends,

I feel that I need to share a confession with you all... I am loosing steam and loosing it quickly. It is so frustrating. I am at this point where I should be kicking into high gear, but I find myself finding great reasons to not get to the gym and I am finding all sorts of ways to keep myself busy.

Lately things have been either rather stressful, so what a better reason than to increase the food intake although I am trying to make it good choices, I have been trying really hard to stop.

So I am writing to my friends.. looking for suggestions on how to kick start again. How to let exercise become a true part of my life instead of something I just do. How do you flip the switch in the mind? How do I make this a lifetime thing?

Please friends...help me out.

Long time no write.

Greetings again,

It has been so long since I have written so much has happened. I was finally able to get in my trip to Ireland. After waiting for it to be rescheduled after a volcano in Iceland (who knew! ) We left in the end of April and returned last week. It has been amazingly challenging to get caught back up, but I am finally feeling as though I am back in the game. That things are finally starting to return to normal.

I wish things were going as well with this journey. I am still stuck my weight has not changed... although in the middle of April we were still heading down with inches. So what did we did, usually it would be a back to the drawing board, but I refused. Thankfully I have a great support crew that wouldn't let me. They continued to encourage me and we (my fabulous trainer and I ) Sat back down to relook at my eating plan and see where we can make some changes. So there are two things that come out of this.

1.) A GREAT SUPPORT NETWORK: I realized the value of this recently. There are times , frequently when it can be really hard to believe in yourself. To find the courage to do what you want/ need to do. When you are down you can count on them and need to count of them to help refocus you and keep you heading in the right direction. I am blessed to have people in my life that have the ability to help me believe that I can do what I would normally call the impossible.

Value these people if they are in your life. Mine are irreplaceable, not sure what I would do without them.

2.)Eating plan .. so far in this journey sure I have made changes to my lifestyle but I haven't really sacrificed majorly in what is going into my mouth. So we have changed that ... for the next 21 day I have a list of foods and I am free to choose from this list, and put them together however I want with in the confines of the structure and the requirements. (tons of freedom right)

So I shall continue to update you as the next 21 days go by... here goes nothing..!

Who is that looking back at me

Have you ever had the experience of looking in the mirror and being shocked. I don't mean for the worse but shocked for the better. It has happened this week. I think sometimes it is so hard to see changes as we walk through them. We are so focused on the day and getting to the next one that we fail to take time to look at ourselves. ( I am talking both physically and spiritually) Sometimes we need to come face to face with a 'mirror' in order to get a good view of how far we have traveled.

Just recently I have had a 'mirror' experience both physically and spiritually. Physically I was shown a picture and forced to see the difference from January to now. Wow. . . I guess maybe it is starting to show, just a little. It was nice to hear it recognized, yet kinda of frustrating on another level because, why have I allowed myself to be so absorbed in the doing and getting on of daily life, that I am not taking the time to reflect. I am not taking the time I need to look at where I am and just how far it is that I have come.

The same thing goes for me spiritually. My most recent 'mirror' experience has convinced me it is time to go and dwell with the one who can show me how far I have come. What a great privilege it is to be able to be with Him, so why do I put it off. What am I afraid of? Is it that I will some how feel I haven't come far enough? Or that somehow.... what .... I sit here writing and laughing at myself as I see these fear written down.

How can I allow those fears to stop me from this great time of reflection and being with my Him. Who cares how far it is that I have come, what is important is that I have progressed even a little bit closer to the falling deeper in love with my Lord, and being transformed to be more and more like Him.

Trip to Ireland

March 15th ... the day I was supposed to fulfilling a dream of mine to fly to Ireland. It was supposed to be great! However who would have thought or known that a volcano in ICELAND that had been quiet for 218 years would choose to wait all those years just to ruin my trip.

Ok, I will give you, that comment might be just a little bit self focused, and while I don't really think that it is the gut reaction. I had felt not quite right about this trip the whole week leading up to it, which is rather unusual for me. I love to travel and really enjoy the time leading up to it. So I was blaming it on the fact that I knew very little about this trip and so I was sure that it was a control thing, but now I am not so convinced about that.

So what do we do with the disappointment that we have been given in life. It does seem that recently in my life there has been a lot of disappointment. I am starting to wonder how to handle it. I have been grieving and stressing , and now am just mostly sad. It seems like a triple whammy of shock to the soul.

I must confess... that yesterday and today was spent eating and sleeping, and generally feeling a bit blue. But I think it is time to leave this reaction behind. Not really sure how to move forward, I guess it is just accepting that sometimes life is bumpy and it then becomes a matter of giving grace to myself to feel how I feel, to experience the feelings and know that they are going to end. That this is just a season.

Death and new life, disappointment, failures, successes, sorrow, hardships are all a part of life, they all deserve to be felt, lived and experienced not just stuffed down or ignored. Why? Because it is these experiences that lead us to maturity and completion, it is these experiences that develop our character and give us validity in authority to speak into other people's lives.

What does this mean... I get up, go to the gym, eat good balanced meals and take the day as it comes...trusting in faith that things will be worked out.

Continuing to face discouragement

Three months and two weeks...that is 99 days...2,376 hours.....142,560 minutes That is how long I have been working towards life change. Today is a tough day. I am feeling note that I said feeling like I am failing at this task. I feel like I am still seeing no difference and there is still not real change in the numbers.

So why is it that in spite of feedback. I am still battling these thoughts and self destructiveness. So again it is time to change the perspective.... sure I have been at this for 2,376 hours but...I have been living a destructive life for ...236,520 hours! That is a lot of hours spent learning the habits and negative thoughts that I have.

But even acknowledging this doesn't seem to make the discouraging times easier. Maybe that is the problem I just want it to be easier, I want the easy way, I want this not be a struggle, I just wish for once it would just be easy.

But this week I learn that James 1:4 reminds me that Perseverance must complete its work so that that we might be mature, complete and lacking nothing. I guess this is one of those character building things. One that I am given the chance to persevere through to see it to the other end.

Life and Death

There are few things in this world that can really shake our contentment. I think one of them at least for me would be death. I have a track record for not handling death well, oh who am I kidding I don't just not handle death well, I don't handle it. I have in the past had two modes of operation the first being sleep and avoid. The second mode of dealing would be to eat and shove the pain as far down as possible.

Neither of these has proved to be effective in my life. The first while leaving me rested (kind of) often leaves me with things just under the surface. The second makes me feel better for a little while at first, but leaves me fatter and more unhappy.

Recently my family has suffered a great loss. This time though I resolved to learn to grieve well. I refused to ignore that this loss happened and I refused to feed my face just to deal with me pain. So the journey began to figure out what grieving well looks like.

For me it has involved late night trips to NH to say Goodbye. It has involved tears and laughter, memories and unfulfilled dreams and conversations. It has left me with times when I felt happy, and times when I felt sad, but I have felt, and I am beginning to return to life.

Food for many people especially myself has been a 'drug of choice' it is what we use when we want to feel and when we don't want to feel. We use and abuse it and then wonder why we look and feel the way we do. How is it that we can become so afraid of our own emotions that we are willing to harm and sacrifice our health just to avoid them.

I am not willing to do that. So it is time to learn to grieve well.

It isn't about arriving

Just the other day I was talking with my mom and she had some really wise words for me. I was complaining about not seeing changes, and how long this process was probably going to take. I told her I wanted to know when I was going to be thin. She turned to me and said "Sarah, it isn't about getting there, it is about life change."

Well duh, why didn't I think about that. I mean of course it shouldn't be about the end but it should be about making the lasting changes that I want. But sometimes it is really just hard to do that.

The other day I was also reading a great book. In this book it was talking about barriers and limitations. I know that there are a couple of big things that have the potential to limit me and keep me from achieving my dreams and goals. One of the things that it talked about was why it was so hard to keep promises we make to ourselves.

I see this in my life when I say i am getting up for the gym but don't, or when I say that I am going to start eating even better and then find that it is so easy for me to justify eating whatever I want to. This book talked about how when we don't keep our promises to our selves we are not keeping them to God, and will likely not keep them to other people. Because it all begins with finding value in ourselves enough to keep the agreements and promises we make to ourselves in front of God.

So what does that mean, it means that tomorrow morning it is off to the gym. Time to stop justifying! Finding the value in myself, to consider myself worthy of the lasting life change I want, and being willing to dig deep inside and find that the worth I have come from a God who loves me and wants the best for me. Therefore it is time to stop giving myself the room for excuses, that I have in the past.

Unexpected journeys

Life has a great way of taking us on unexpected journeys. This past week has been a great example. I had the joy and privaledge of going and visiting a dear dear friend and my Aunt this last week. The time was short but so rich. Then upon my return from them I was dumping dirty laundry and packing new laundry and heading out for a weekend retreat with 18 middle schoolers. These kids were amazing! I had such a great time.

But it was during this unscheduled journey that I realized I have no contingency plan for when things take a sudden turn. I think many of us are like that. We do really well when we are operating in our controlled environment. When we know just how to travel to work to avoid temptation (DD drive thru) and we know just what will try to jump out at us from the grocery store. But what happens when we find ourselves traveling , away from our routine, and feeling like a renegade.

I found that I struggle. So tday was a back on track day. And it felt Good. So the moral is allow those little journeys but be prepared to come back face your laundry and get back on schedule.

End of February Weigh in

Today was weigh in day. I was not looking forward to it. I just feel as though this journey is taking forever, but I guess I can only make it one step at a time.

However, today is a day to celebrate. I am now down 5 lbs in Body Fat, and up 5 lbs in muscle weight...which means... I didn't loose a single pound.. OK so that didn't make me want to celebrate, but I am down 2% in my total body fat category... so that is something to celebrate and only a small percentage to go until I am in my target range. ANd down another 3.5 inches. Making the total.....drum roll please......

11.75 inches, and 4 pounds.... (ok ..that is not as great as I was hoping... ok who I am kidding it is really frustrating) but on the other hand. It isn't ... I didn't get to this weight over night... or in a few months it was a life time. So I just hope that these slower results with produce quality life change..not just temporary.

So lets join together and celebrate..anyone want an orange!

Talk to you soon.

Frustration

Well, my nerves are now getting the best of me. I am supposed to go to my training session, and I now have a nervous stomache because once again it is that time of the month, time to step on to the scale and see if things are getting lower.

I know that it should not be about the numbers, but lets be honest with each other it is. I am hoping to see the numbers go down. If they aren't down this month then we are going to have to make some drastic changes.

It has been so great to find out just how many people are taking this same journey. It is definately a challenge at times is it not. But it is worth it ...why because we are worth it.

Each of us is worth the time and effort it takes to win the battles that lead to healthy lifestyles. It is hard, and many days it feels like I am taking several steps backwards, but in spite of this we need to press on.

Snow is melting but are the pounds

I have always had a great love for the winter. Skiing, sledding, and simply watching the snow fall have been joys and blessings for me in past winters. Why is it then that this winter I am done. I hope it isn't a sign of me loosing my child likeness.

I was sitting in the office today and looked out the window and smiled the sun was out, the snow was shining and you could feel the hope of spring coming. I love that it is the little things that renew our hope. Sometimes it can be the simplest things that just remind me that God is in the midst of all things.

So then I wonder why is it that when I see so little, well I see no progress that it is so hard to hold onto that hope that this time it will be different. If I can be honest with you, which I am going to be... I am struggling. This snow storm really derailed me. It would be so easy to just give up and count it all as yet another attempt, but I am holding on to the fact that this time it is different. THat tomorrow I will be up and back in the gym, and seeing myself moving closer to the goal. I made some good choices when it comes to food today, but I am just feeling so discouraged. Wondering if this will be a pattern for my life or if there can really be freedom from this cycle.

I wonder what it takes to really make this something I don't struggle with... Why is health something so many of us struggle with, we constantly have to put in effort just to win the mental battle to stay healthy.

Well tomorrow will be another day! A better day!

Snow Removal = cardio ?

The Question? - Can I substitute shoveling for my cardio day at the gym?

The Answer? - No! but it does count for extra calories burned, (so i guess the bagel i had for breakfast won't be so bad)

I often wonder why it is that the winter brings out the muncher in all of us. I don't know about you but bring the snow down, and bring out the snacks usually go hand in hand. I feel like a bear getting ready for hibernation, as it is so easy to put on pounds during the winter.

So given the trends in the past to snack and eat my way through the winter, I guess it is no surprise that snowy days bring out the hardest challenges. I did ok today, and I am giving myself extra credit because not only did I move the 8 trillion pounds of snow with a shovel! But also convinced myself to get to the gym.

I am getting more excited about my gym work outs it feels like things have finally started to change. I noticed a real difference in my mood and energy levels on the days I make it to the gym verses the days I don't go. Also I have found some joy, yes you read that right joy in my walk/runs. I feel better each time I do it. It feels easier and a little freer. Now don't get me wrong I am not running marathons, I am doing anywhere from 2-3 miles, but hey it is a start and better than nothing.

Fear

This is the second time at least that I have come back to the topic of Fear. I am constantly surprised at how dominant a role fear plays in our lives.

Do you see it in yours? I know for the longest time, I hesitated to even begin to loose weight because I knew that I would fail and I was just so scared of thinking about beginning because I was so focused on how I would fail, and it would be over. The fear of how poorly I would do would keep me from even starting the journey.

Fear is something we all face. Who knows why, or where it comes from. Fear can be a good thing though, we need and rely on fear to sometimes keep us safe. But it can become something that controls us instead of just keeping us safe.

So here we are on this journey, I am two months in. Does it mean I am not fearful. No of course there are days when I am scared and certain that I will not do well. Or there are days when I know that I am not doing well. And sure I get scared wondering if it is worth it, maybe I should just throw the towel in but, I don't. This time around I can't because it is different, I have people I am staying accountable to, and the desire to change is more than the fear of failing.

So I step over the fear. I look it in the face acknowledge it, and keep going. Sure sometimes the fear wins, but even if I loose a battle I am pretty sure I can win the war.

Taking the Next Step

For so long I have lived with this fear of failing. Why? Well I wish that were a lot easier to figure out, but no need to go into that here. I realized something today. That when it comes to my health, my weight I am finally taking the next step. Sure I know that at any point I could fail, and that scares me, but I am slowly learning that if I stay in the moment and not let myself get to overwhelmed about how far I have to go, or how scary it might look right now, then I do ok.

Does that mean in these last almost 2 months now I haven't failed. Yeah right, I have but I don't stay focused on it. I keep going on.


I think that making with a life style would be good. I think of all the other things I want to try but never do because I am scared I won't get it right. Someone wise told me today, that "Sarah, you are going to fail, but if you want to do big things you have to fail." I was so against this, and then as we began to talk I realized just how right she was. We do learn a whole lot more from our failures than we do from our successes. Truth being, that we just take sucess as it comes, yet when we face failure, we sit down and look at it, examine it find out what adjustments we need to make and then try again.

Sure, I am going to fail, but I am learning that, failing doesn't make me a failure. All I have to do is be willing to take the next step. Play the game on the front lines. If I am willing to do that who knows what kind of sucess is waiting for me. Who knows what kind of impact I just migt have.

So, sure I will fail a battle with this weight issue once and a while, the goal though is to keep fighting. Not to give in to the war, just because one battle didn't go exactly as I had planned. Who knows when victory will come or even in this case, what I might look like when it does, but as long as I keep pressing on. I know one thing. It will come!

Refocus

Well here we are 6 weeks in, it is make it or break it time for most new habits. I pray that this new lifestyle will really become a habit. I am taking this week to really refocus. I found that my week and a half fighting sicknesses has been really hard to come back from. It would be so easy to walk away from this right now and count it up as another valient attempt at life change, but I am trying not to let that happen.

So tomorrow morning before work it is back to the gym. I have called my trainer and told her that I need to see her, that my determination in a reboot. Funny isn't, we can be so committed to making a change, and then we can almost just as quickly convince ourselves that we tried and it just didn't work.

Why is it? Why is it so easy for me to give up on myself? This time it won't happen! I am not going to give up.

Lasting Change verses Temporary Change

Today it snowed, although we lacked the great blizzard of 2010 we were promised it did flurry, and make all things rather pretty. While the snow was coming down and I was working I had sometime to contemplate what is it that makes life change lasting.

I have watched people in my life make changes only to have them go back to their old ways in anywhere from 6 weeks to 6 months. Why?

I began to think that it must come down to our motivation to change. When we are scared into change it lasts only as long as the threat is there. Once the threat is gone then it takes an even bigger threat to prompt the change again.

Sometimes we are motivated by what we see on the outside, and then the change will last until what we see is more pleasant to the eye.

Change can also be motivated by others. As long as they are there prompting us to change to stick with it we do. But we are so needy of the others to keep the change going.

Finally change happens and sticks I think, when we are doing it for ourselves to feel more whole. This place may take a long time to get to. Some will call it hitting rock bottom, some will call it having an enlightened moment. It is the feeling that something really has to change, that the end of the road has arrived.

Today I found out that I think I am on this path. I had the chance to really make some poor choices and have the validated, yet I made the good ones simply because I really want it to be different. I am ready.

Where I have been?

First and foremost I apologize. Do not think my absence in posting is due to a slipping of my goal or vision. Actually it is due to a violent stomach bug. Who would have thought that some microscopic organism has the power to put a person down from multiple days. Finally feeling better and refreshed and renewed towards the Goal.

While the stomach bug was rough, there is a bigger challenge ahead. How to stay focused. With it being the Superbowl Sunday and snacks a plenty it will be hard to remind myself of the tricks that make one feel successful during parties. ONe of the great things to do is to take a plate and fill it up. Fill it with some veggies a little dip and maybe a little bit of salsa and chips. The goal then is to make that plate last. Also drink a lot of water, and if you are eating a meal. Eat the main meal first so that you aren't as hungry when the snacks start to come out. And as for the eternal question to dessert or not to dessert. I say, sure have a little but know which one you want and stick with it. DOn't fall for the a little of this and a little of that.

So, here we are into month two still at the gym, and still working on making great food choices. The clothes are feeling great, and my confidence and energy at a new all time high.

Loving it.

What a day!

Well I know it has been about three days since I last blogged but guess what life has been busy.

Just recently I had the opportunity to take a good look at why I respond so emotionally to conflict. A good friend raised the point that as a female I am hard wired to nurture and it upsets me when I see those I care for in controversy. But again I raise the point I have always stood by that conflict is good. It gives us a chance to really define what it is we stand for and gives us a chance to learn and see other points of view. Conflict should by its very nature be as God would describe it Iron sharpening Iron.

With that said, it still gets a gut level emotional reaction from me. Whether I am involved directly in the conflict or on the outside. When I am involved, I would tend to say that maybe some of my reaction would be defensive, but I have learned over the years to keep my reactions to those I trust with it.

Lets get to the heart of this blog though. After a long day and some tough conversations I will admit. My first desire was to pull into McDonalds and get a milk shake, fries and cheese burger. WHY? I begin to wonder whether this will always be my reaction or if there is hope that I can reteach myself. I will say though , I fought the craving and enjoyed a delicious, healthy lunch instead.

Progress Report on the Goal

Today January 29th, 2010 was a day I feared and anticipated. The time has come to see if my hard work and life changes are finally beginning to pay off. So here is the update. I was hoping for a minimum of 8lbs off. While I didn't get my eight lbs, I did get four of them and an additional 8.25 inches off the body. We instead of my eight pounds I got eight inches not sure which is better, but I am trying to stay positive instead of being bummed about falling short of my 8lbs goal.

What do you think, inches or lbs, which number should be more important.

Courageous Compliment

While talking with some amazing women this week and I posed the question "how many times this week were you complimented and you really received it." I was so surprised by their answers. Some of them laughed and wondered what it would be like to get a compliment.

I was so amazed by this and saddened. Learning to receive a compliment was probably one of the hardest things I have had to do. It comes from being able to see myself as worthy of those compliments, and learning to trust those who are giving them that they are being honest and authentic. Although I have also come to see that it isn't my job to judge their honestly or authenticity. It is my job to accept the compliment and allow it to refresh and renew my spirit.

Learning my worth is in something larger than people or my accomplishments has helped me to learn to accept a compliment. Each compliment is like a little hug from God, a reminder that not only am I loved but I am liked, chosen , and precious.

Learning this things, being reminded of them helps me to stay on track. Stay focused on the changes I want to see in my life. So what do you think, are you courageous enough to not just hear compliments but to receive them? Go on I dare you!

Results!

So I apologize I forgot to update the blog yesterday! I did it! I reached the goal I ran/walked 3.1 miles granted it wasn't as fast as I wanted but it was good. I felt great afterwards and then today I was back in the gym for another mile+. It feels really good!

Thanks for sticking with me on this. I appreciate this.

Knowing that it is out there and being accountable to it makes this worthwhile.

Frustration, DisSatisfaction, Challenges

It always seems to amaze me just how powerful the mind can be.

Here's what I mean by that... I am now one week away from the first month weigh in. And to be honest, it seems a little frustrating for me. I wish I had a clue as to if I was on the right track. I think lots of things seem this way in life. We are looking for visible or tangible bench markers to help encourage us to stay on the right path.

In fact our sermon today talked a little about the faith that we need to have in spite of the fear we might feel. Because the fear is usually based on things we have felt, seen, or experienced, I would dare to even say that these things don't just bring on fear, but have the power (if we allow them) to discourage us and throw us off our game.

I am not going to allow that to happen this time! I am going to trust and rely on faith that things are heading in the right direction. Sure I don't see the drastic changes that I wish I did, in fact not sure anyone does, but maybe it is best that it isn't drastic. I do know this, I feel better! I am full of energy and know that my choices with food, and life are in general smarter, healthier, and more pleasing not just to me but to my Father. The question becomes, can I allow that to be enough for me? Can my faith fill in the gap for the things I don't see, the frustrations I feel? Is my faith strong enough to handle that?

I pray so. Because I need it to be.

Tomorrow is a big day. It might not seem big to some of you but it is pretty big to me. I have debated on putting this up here because well.... then it means I will have to give an answer to it. In my flesh it is so easy to say "don't put it up there, then no one will no if you tried and failed." But I refuse to listen so here it is my big excitement. I am shooting for 3 miles in my walk/ run tomorrow! I know it might not be much for many of you, but for me this is huge. I have never hit three consecutive miles. But I have recently done 2+ and now I am ready I think to push for three. Granted this won't be world record breaking times, but it might be a world record breaking event. So Tune in tomorrow. We shall see if ... my faith got me through this frustration and back to the gym tomorrow. Because that is where the battle is, am I going to allow my mind and my old patterns to win, to discourage me from even trying just because I don't see or feel the results I wish I did by now. Or ... am I going to rely on the Lord to validate me, and remind me who I am . Because if it is the Lord I am relying on... then I am sure I will see you at the gym tomorrow.

Safe place to dare it all

How luck am I that I have a place where I can safely risk it all. What am I talking about? Today I came to realize that I have a chance an opportunity to do something that few people do. I have a chance to learn a completely new skill, and do it in an environment where I can be coached by one of the best in a safe environment where not only are people caring for me but are invested in seeing me succeed.

I have come to a place where God is opening door for me to begin to see what life is, what it means to live sold out for Him, giving Him my best, and daring to risk it all just to grow and see His kingdom expand.

It means moving past my fears and finding the courage to go a different path. That's what this year is all about. Making the changes that will change my life. Being willing for once to find the courage to risk failing, to really experience life.

Can't wait to see what happens.

Skiing, Sugar and Sundae's

Yester was great! I had a chance to do one of my favorite activities, skiing. My friend Ashley and I took off about noon and headed to a small local mountain for an afternoon and evening of skiing.

Skiing by the way is a great form of exercise. I know this not only because I have looked it up but because usually after a day of skiing you can feel it all over your body. While it may not be the best cardio activity it does pretty good on the toning and strengthening end of things.

So, we get up there and are having a great time and about 3 hours in we decide we are going to eat dinner. Now this is the same friend that three days ago told me I had to help her get off sugar. This was day three and I was so proud of her! However, just as we were paying for dinner ...there it was.... the dreaded bag. .... full of watermelon slices. And no I don't mean fresh watermelon. I do mean those (gross to me) little hunks of gummy sugar coated in sour sugar, the ones that my friends is crazy about. So she buys the bag. Again the question come of of how often does one get to celebrate. After all she had gone three days. Well, we decided for her that she could celebrate her three day but now she is going for five days before the next "celebration"! Go , I know you can do it!

I have to tell you I work with some amazing people and recently the topic of ice cream sundaes has been coming up all the time. We have been talking about our favorite kinds and the best places to get them. Well don't you know leaving the ski hill, we would just have to happen to drive by a friendly's and everyone knows that that is the best place to get some ice cream. So... did we just drive by ... no. We went in to have some ice cream. I had made some great choices all day so not sure where this once came from. I know I was hungry skiing does that to me, and all I had for dinner was a cup of tomato soup and an orange, so we split a grilled chicken and cheese quesadilla, and then the sundaes arrived. Mmmm!

Now here is the greatest part. In the past I would have finished it in no time and then even wanted another maybe. Last night though... I ate it slowly really trying to enjoy it, and then about half way through I was full and I left it. I just walked away. It felt amazing. Food is really loosing its power.

So all in all a great day! NExt week is the real test time to get weighed in.... Lets hope there has been some changes.!

Favorites

So yesterday while eating dinner I began to wonder.... is it bad that I have all my favorite restaurants in my phone. Saved to my favorites. And what exactly does that mean.

Has food become so important to me that I feel the need to include them with my friends and family. Or is it a matter of convenience. I guess it come to a matter of the heart. Why did I put this on my phone, for me the answer would be that I wanted to be able to get at this number any time I wanted it. Which wouldn't be bad, and won't be bad as long as I am using it when it is safe for me to use.

For those of you that have never heard the word safe attached to food, let me introduce this to you. There are healthy and not so healthy relationships that people can have not only with other people but with things. For me one of the areas I struggle with is with food. In the past it hasn't always been a healthy or "safe" relationship, each day I work to make it so. But in previous times it has been dangerous, I have used food to feel better to escape to deal with life, making it a very unhealthy relationship.

So as long as I am making sure that when I use that number... it is simply because I and some friends are looking for pizza, and not because I am sad, or upset, or looking to bury my head, then things will be OK.

So for now the number stays, it is handy to have around, however knowing that I can delete it if needed gives me a great deal of comfort.

A Good Read and a Good Conversation...

It is so hard to explain my struggles to someone who has never had the struggle with their weight that I have. I have finally found someone who has been able to verbalize the mental struggle so well. Karen Kingsbury in her newest book, "Take Two" This book series features two families that have returned from the mission field to tackle a new mission, film making. One of them is married to a women who struggles greatly with controlling her life through her eating. In the book this women's thoughts are on display, showing the inner thoughts of some of us who struggle so greatly with emotional eating, and lives that are controlled by food and thoughts of food.

I must say that each day while there are new challenges, the sense of freedom and forward motion that is developing is amazing. I can see myself making decision that are different from any other decisions I have ever made. It is encouraging, and as long as I can keep my mind focus on the source of my strength. As long as I can keep my heart mindful that I am loved, than I think this might just be my time.

Tonight I was talking with one of my best friends and she said to me "Sarah, you've got to help me I am craving sugar. As of tomorrow I want to stop." My reply was simple... "why tomorrow?" She responded in all truth , "because I want my one more night to enjoy it, one more night to eat and pig out." I laughed at her and warned her she was about to star in my blog tonight, and she agreed.

This is what we do.. we say we will wait till tomorrow and then for most of us that promised 'tomorrow' doesn't come. It reminds me of a story I read in Exodus. Moses had gone to Pharaoh to give Pharaoh the chance to be without the frogs God had brought upon the land. The story reads like this ...

"Pharaoh summoned Moses and Aaron and said, "Pray to the LORD to take the frogs away from me and my people, and I will let your people go to offer sacrifices to the LORD." Moses said to Pharaoh, "I leave to you the honor of setting the time for me to pray for you and your officials and your people that you and your houses may be rid of the frogs, except for those that remain in the Nile." "Tomorrow," Pharaoh said. Moses replied, "It will be as you say, so that you may know there is no one like the LORD our God."

You see here is the problem, God wants to be the God of today, of now.. yet we want to live in the beds we have made just one more night. Why? What are we afraid of losing? Can't we see that we have so much more to gain than we do to loose.

Chinese Food

Why is it that there are some days when we are just willing to toss all the hard work out the window and not go on. Today was one of those days? It seemed that everything was against me. We had a birthday in my class so there were cupcakes, I had also promised my students I would make brownies with them,(from scratch of course). Then what I would consider the best offer came through, the chance to spend sometime with my mom, whom I love and enjoy one of our favorite restaurants. The Chinese buffet.

My day started and it seemed no matter how hard I tried to make the right choices and stay away from the stuff that I didn't need it called to me. I just tried them, but then comes the guilt that I wasn't able to stay away. So why does it become a fatalistic thing, 'well I messed up today already why not eat the egg roll, and the boneless spare ribs.' (I mean they were good, but definitely not needed.)

My question is why is it that I was so willing to toss the day down the dumps just because of a little temptation, just because I slip once why does it mean I have failed. This is one of the patterns that need to be broken, because this is when one bad day leads to giving up for the week and the month and the year.

I am not willing to allow this to throw me off this time. I have to much going... it isn't worth it. So tomorrow we start again. No guilt, no shame, no feeling of failure or disgust, just fresh. Tomorrow is a new day, and His mercies are new every morning!

Eleven Days In

I can't believe it, I have almost made it two weeks! Who would have thought. I hear you need to do something for 6 weeks before it become a habit. Well I am almost two weeks down leaving only four to go.

This week has had a rough start. It has been a challenge to be overcome. My hearts has just seemed a heavy. It would be my first instinct to withdraw, and bury my feelings in food. However, this time I am not going to do that. I am facing up to my feelings, allowing them to be there, giving them the validation that they are real, and giving me the freedom to just talk with my FATHER about them.

I am wondering now when it is exactly that I get to celebrate. I am so excited for what is happening in my life, that even having a heavy heart won't slow it down, or contain my excitement.

Looking forward to celebrating in the near future. Can't wait!

Authenticity -2

I realized that never really finished my thought with my last post. The reason I posted on authenticity is that it is what I want. I desire and long to be authentic not only with myself but with those around me.

I feel that no matter what the definition you use, it is more important that the life you are living is authentic. It is one that displays who you are and whom you belong to. Are you really sold out for who you are?

Authentic

Authentic:

Have you ever tried to define a word that is a character trait, or a life style. Go ahead try... I know that I struggle so hard with defining it in a way that makes me happy with the definition. Everything I tried to come up with resulted in me feeling like something was left out.

Dictionary.com says : Authentic means- –adjective
1.not false or copied; genuine; real: an authentic antique. 2.having the origin supported by unquestionable evidence; authenticated; 3.entitled to acceptance or belief because of agreement with known facts or experience; reliable; trustworthy

This weekend I came to realize that we as people, maybe only Americans or maybe only me, struggle with being authentic. Why? What am so afraid of? Is it a fear that someone will find out I am not perfect. Well, guess what I am not. I am not now, nor will I ever be perfect. Is it a fear of failing to measure up? Maybe but it depend on who's doing the measuring. If I am measuring, then yeah, sure of course I am going to fail because I know that my standards aren't right, and most of the time if I am doing the measuring it is against someone else. And well we all know that, that never works out well.

So what holds up back from being authentic? For me for the longest time it was failing or being judged, but now ... I don't have that luxury of worrying about that. Someone wise told me today that change happens when the cost of staying the same out weights the fear and cost of changing.

I guess I reached that point. I had to change. I had to start letting people into my life. Why? because I wanted my life to more than what it was. I wanted to connect with people, I wanted to do life with others and how can I expect people to share with me, if I can't learn to be authentic, and open with them.

So not only is part of my resolution to journey to a thinner healthier life, but in order to do this I need to learn to be authentic. This authenticity is not just about my weight or with other people, but it needs to pour into all aspects of my life.

What will that look like? Good question I guess that is still part my journey to figure out and wrestle with things. I really noticed my struggle this weekend, I didn't make it to the gym for three days in a row, and it was so second nature for me to find a way to justify why. But then I stopped realized that sure I could justify it, and probably convince myself of why I hadn't been but what would that do. Would that be me being authentic. No, so here it is the reason I didn't go to the gym was because....I was tired. Hmm, kind of freeing.

Living authentically, is going to be just that freeing. It will take courage, but as I am coming to see and really believe, most things in my life when I first start take courage.

At least the things that are worth doing, take courage.

Fear of loosing momentum

I can hardly believe we are done with the first week of the new year. Friday, was a day of rest for me. It was great I have to say, and much needed. Today however; I felt like I had lost a little of the momentum. Last night I spent the night being lazy with one of the coolest people I know. Yesterday was also a day I didn't go to the gym. Now here it is Saturday night, while I made some great choices with what I ate, I didn't get to the gym again.

As I was sitting here tonight I began to wonder, where did my momentum go? Did I just loose some of it? I had to stop myself. This is the old pattern of thought, that now it would be over. In the past it had to be perfect every moment of the journey no place for rest or variance. Yet when you look at things variety is the reality and sometimes you need to take a day or two off. Some days will be fabulous I make it to the gym, I eat great, I feel great. While other days I will struggle. Life will happen and I may not do it all perfectly, AND THAT IS OK! I can't let living life become an excuse a way out for me. I allow not living up to my expected perfection stop me or cause me to doubt my self on this journey.

A good friend of mine left me some feedback on one of my latest blogs, and he hopes that I will begin to hunger for God and the word of God, that I will allow this to feed me. I pray for this too. The "hunger" in each of us can be filled two ways a healthy way which leads to wholeness, or a self satisfying, unhealthy way. My old patterns were just that, self satisfying at the moment, which merely held off the pains of my "hunger". The old patterns were a place where if I were perfect and met all my expectation I figured I would never be "hungry", and since I never met my expectation I understood why I was always "hungry".

Now it is about laying the foundation and making the choices that will feed me in a healthy way. The guidance I need, and the wisdom I need to establish these more realistic expectations can only come from one source, My creator. Iif they come from me they run the risk of not being the right expectations. I am looking for a way to feed my whole self, and only the Lord knows what I truly need.

So thanks to my friend for reminding me that despite all the temptations ahead, the desires to throw in the towel, the feelings of failure. I have the one true source who can really feed me wholly, and healthily. I need to rely more on Him, then on me.

Girlfriends!

Today I witness and received the power of friendship in its finest form. Today started out a tough day. I have a dear friend, who is just as important a member of our family as anyone, and I came to understand the reality that she is sick. It has been hard, but that is just me being selfish, because no matter how hard it is for me, it am not in her shoes and having to endure it. Our friend is am amazing women, a survivor, a mother, a sister, a friend, a wife, an encouragement, and just someone who does life with others well. You would understand this if you have someone in your life who is like this. She is a pillar of strength, and a cushion of love and support all at the same time. The type of person who gives wings to your dreams simply by believing in you, and what you want to do and be.

Today, I came face to face with the fact that she is sick. And there is nothing I can do to fix this. Talk about disabling. All I wanted to do was come home, crawl into bed, and eat. Why eat, well because it might take my mind off of the hurt for a minute, or maybe it would stuff everything back down, either way it seems to have the power to make things better. Even if it is only for the temporary moment.

Then my calendar reminded me that I was supposed to meet up with a bunch of girlfriends I hadn't been able to get together with in a while. We were scheduled to celebrate one of our birthdays! These women came into my life, some would say by chance, and I would say by divine action. We are all in different places in life, experiencing different things yet, when we are together my soul is refreshed, and I laugh and am encouraged.

I so didn't want to go meet with them tonight. I thought and came close to calling and saying I wouldn't make it. But, I figured I would at least go and if I needed to I could always beg out early. It was just what I needed. We laughed, we talked about everything, and I mean everything. We celebrated, we tried to solved the problems of the world (well maybe not) they refreshed me.

Tonight could have been, tough. I could have followed the same patterns I was stuck in, withdrawing, and eating but I didn't. Sure I probably had one to many slices of honey wheat bread, and probably didn't need that bit of rich chocolate cake, but you know what. Tonight's meal was more nutritious and better for me than any other choice I could have made or would have made in the past. Tonight they helped to put life in perspective. I came to realize that life needs to be celebrated just like a birthday. Each moment is special, and who better to celebrate with than your family, loved ones and your girlfriends.